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WARNING: This article is based in England. Americans may not understand the humour in this article, only the humor. Plus, this article will most likely eat your family if you mention that stereotype you people have about English people that everyone in England drinks tea, eats crumpets, and/or speaks with a thick London accent, etc. You have been warned.

Typical chav.
Accurate picture of the whole crowd going spaghetti for this article and stuff.

Chavs (Latin name chavus innitus) are a species of monkey. The chav is the most human-like species of monkey, and although they are strongly resented, have learned to live in society by responding to every negative statement with an obnoxious "F*** off, my mate's dad would bang you out, blad".

Like, species of chav and stuff, mate[edit | edit source]

Standard Chav - the standard chav is the most common kind of chav. This species is the weakest and most ridiculous-looking of chavs. When threatened, the standard chav will claim that their mate's (that means their friend, not that kind of mate) dad could beat the person up, as opposed to the chav himself actually being involved in any fighting whatsoever. Another standard chav trait is lying - whenever the chav meets an intellectually superior person, they will say something stupid. A minor wound is usually good for this - the chav will show the person a paper-cut and claim "yeah, that's where this kid through a glass bottle at me, mate. Didn't hurt though". Standard chavs live from Jobseeker's Allowance, which they spend on tracksuits, trainers, cigarettes, getting their heads shaved and beer. Sometimes, they steal money, but they probably can't be bothered.

Young chav - the natural habitat of which is mainly in Higher Primary and Secondary Schools, usually between the ages of 8 to 15. Despite their cigarette-stunted growth and lack of visible genitalia they are often the heartthrob of young chavettes throught their year. To prove their intelligence, and therefore right to mate, they pick on the 'emos', 'nerds' or anybody else who doesnt fit their view of way things should be, usually by calling them 'gayboys'. Though sometimes the more intelligent of the species will muster longer words such as 'schlaaaaaaaaaag' The parents of these are usually also 15 year old chavs themselves, but sometimes on the contrary, are old fashioned law-abiding types who think their son is 'a beautiful talented young boy that is often misunderstood'. It is a common known fact that chavs are usually well behaved at home and breast-fed by their milky mummy.

Asian Chav - very similar to the standard chav, but can be distinguished by a thick Indian accent and the Nike symbol shaved on the back of their head. Only Asian chavs are allowed to say the N-word.

Chavette - female chav. Wears the same tracksuits and listens to the same music, but has an extremely hostile attitude towards those different from her. If seen with a male chav, should be avoided as looking at the chavette for more than 2 seconds will cause the male chav to exclaim "Oi! You lookin' at mah bird?! My mate's uncle would bang you out!" (rough translation: You are looking at my girlfriend. My friend's uncle will kill you.)

Adult Chav - the most pathetic entity in existence. This is a grown man in his mid-thirties who still doesn't have a job and says "Innit, lad". Doesn't need to get his head shaved as he is most likely going bald anyway. Adult chaviness is usually just an excuse to fail in life.

Oak Matured Chav - smokey textured dish with subtle undercurrents of woodland herbs and Stella Artois, popular in the West End. Guests are encouraged to catch (or raise) their own to bring to the restaurant for cooking. This would be cannibalism if it weren't for the fact that chavs aren't human.

See also[edit | edit source]