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Giant traffic demons are notorious for possessing the bodies of milk maids. Their primary means of transmission is chicken pox.

Demons are my favorite things to think about, because they're so badass. Like, possession, for instance. A demon, if he's competent at all, can take over your body and mind, and make you do all kinds of crazy shit.


Documenting your demonic possession is crucial for a slew of reasons, which I will address in order of importance.

  1. Demons are the original identity thieves, and they know what they're doing. Be sure to keep relevant documentation and cash in a safe deposit box. Give the keys to a trusted clergyman.
  2. Consider purchasing the Home Heart Defibrillator and Exorcism Kit by Honeywell.
  3. Eat a biscuit. This absurd statement has been upgraded to "meaningless". Please stand by...
  4. Police will likely be skeptical if you report a demonic possession. Best not to involve law enforcement.

How to use demons to your advantage[edit]

Some religious and superstitious people are afraid of demons. You can claim to be possessed, or even better, that you yourself are a demon. There is no end to the mischief you can cause. Remember to target fundamentalists.

In the United States, complex tax codes make it possible to hire demons and get rebated on part or all of their salaries from Federal and State governments. April 15 is a demon holiday due to this fact. Demons will work on the Sabbath, anybodys Sabbath.


  1. Demons will bite at any opportunity.
  2. Handle with oven mitts.
  3. Keep them liquored up when not actually working. It makes them docile.
  4. Concerning demons, docile is a relative term.
  5. Demons are not considered hazards in the game of golf.