Driver's Education
|
WARNING This article was written by a user as a form of self-help. Don't read it as such; it would embarrass them. |
A nice quick way to get a license. That is, if you don't suck at driving. It is a series of terribly boring classes mixed in with terribly terrifying moments of operating a vehicle. The instructors are always very old and impatient, and become infuriated when an irresponsible teenager goes even one mile over the speed limit. They will also automatically fail you if you go over a curb, which is something 97% of people do when eating bagels in the car.
Nothing good ever came from driver's ed, except a license. Sometimes insurance companies lower fees or something because they know you've been through hell. They also tell you that nothing you were taught in the class actually applies in real life, except the drunk driving thing. That's important because drunk drivers give alcohol a bad name and ruin it for all the other responsible drinkers. Most people who work for insurance companies are big drunks and are dissatisfied with their lives and penis/breast size. They make up for this by buying muscle cars. Well, the men buy muscle cars. The women buy Prii because they feel like they should at least try and stand for something. Also, they use the official plural form of Prius as chosen by bored Internet users.
Classroom Sessions[edit | edit source]
Even normal high school classrooms, which are often considered pretty damn boring and soul-sucking, cannot even compare to the sheer banality of a driver's ed course. I have seen moose walk into a class and shit rainbows and the poor kids don't even notice. The adult at the front (cannot be called a teacher; teaches nothing) doesn't even see because he is too engrossed in operating his fucking PowerPoint. So I am the only one to have seen this moose. Isn't that sad?
Plus, usually there are lots of great videos from the 90s that really show amazing stuff on driving. Like how to pass someone.
“Make sure to check all mirrors before turning, and always signal!”
Like that. How informative, huh? I'm sure most people would just slip past and chop off the side view mirror. It also gives kids the impression that the speed limit should be followed at all times (although driving tests are worse with this untruth), and that bad things will happen if laws are not followed by the book. Then there's a lot of stuff about driving drunk, but I guess everyone can agree that doing that is very bad. Right? You should have said yes. If you did not, you are obviously not ready to be driving and must take the test again.
The Car[edit | edit source]
They are so fun to drive.
- VRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!
They're usually in automatic form, so the kids don't have to so all that complex footwork. If they did the instructors would have to drop the pickles and cream and actually do something. But as long as a computer does all the dirty work, the instructors can have their fun using the extra pedals.
The cars have pedals for the instructors. They don't trust the kids to do stuff on their own. They will brake for them until they are able to move their feet from the gas pedal to the brake. Boom, gotcha! There is a third pedal on manual transmissions, and it is called a clutch. It makes things work. Automatics are for old people and the beginning drivers.
The Driving Test[edit | edit source]
The Day Before[edit | edit source]
oh fuck, I'm so nervous. I think I'll update my Facebook status and let everyone on the planet know just how nervous I am. Plus it will let people know that I am maturing at a normal rate by taking on responsibilities such as driving, which are very important and grown-up. On that note, I can't wait to be all grown up like my mommy and daddy whom I love so much and who got a nice new car for me. I'm already practicing to be mature and grown and have been since sixth grade by slathering on makeup and/or getting a job at a place I hate so that I can build up a good résumé for a future career that will almost surely give me no creative stimulation and will leave me a baritone voiced, chain smoking old soccer mom.
That was the male point of view, now for the female?
...maybe?...
The Test[edit | edit source]
Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck gas gas brake emergency stop hazards speed limit stop sign... stop sign???
- SSSCCCCCCREEEESEECCHHHHHHHH!!!!!
okay, sorry about that... traffic traffic intersection pass brake stop look out agh left turn no turn on red... parking parking SLOoow stop...
...done?
You fucking passed. Now you see how easy it is, right?
Yes, sir....I mean, ma'am. Yes, I see.
You're not gonna do bad things while on that road?
Nope, I sure ain't, ma'am.
Good. Now leeeeaaaavvvveee. Don't spill my gin bottle.
Or, if y'all failed, don't feel bad, cause riding a bicycle is better anyway. Shit, all you gotta do is flip a little switch to shift gears. None of that clutch crap.
Learning Curve[edit | edit source]
Learning to drive is like learning to color. It makes pretty noises and then soon you go off to the store. You can get good mileage, too.
"She's a real beauty, and she got me up to 32 MPGs this morning. I drive twelve hours a day."
That was my dad. He's talking about my mom, his Prius. I am half man half machine. A cyborg, if you will. EXTERMINATE.
Learn More[edit | edit source]
American Online Keyword: Cheap Driving School