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Torture is the torturinest thing of all torture-like things to ever have tortured (in tortuous places, that is). That's all that needs to be said about it.

More about it follows.

History[edit | edit source]

The history of torture began when a caveman discovered (to his great discovery) that he could coerce his best friends into revealing secrets[1]. These secrets were in no way misleading. The torturer, or "alpha caveman," was quickly led to the right-hand man of the sonk[2]. The enterprise of torture was brought to a screeching halt by the screeching invention of ethics 600 years[3] later.

Torture's development stagnated until 1982, when a young scientist from MIT discovered a way to relieve the military of the ethical restrictions on torture (which even Medieval kings had been forced to respect). The newly perfected ethical relaxation apparatus was quickly shipped to the site of a war which nobody remembers (it was twenty years ago, for Cris'sakes).

The rest, as they say[4], is history. The U.S., cooperating with the dust-snuffing beavers of ill repute fetched from Mexico[5], made profitable use of this torturous superpower until 2024, when the whole world spun out into a frenzied, hysterical mass of television white noise.

Types of torture[edit | edit source]

  • This one time, I drank a glass of root beer that DIDN'T HAVE ICE CREAM IN IT!!!1 And there wasn't even a straw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!one
  • Being forced to stand on a stool and wear a funny hat[6].
  • Massages, especially the ones with the electrodes[7].
  • Binge breathing[8].
  • Loud hip-hop music[9].
  • Ugly fashion choices.
  • That chewy toffee - the kind that sticks your ears together 'n you can't get them apart without some kind of rack[10].
  • Writing this article, you Pringles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Quotes[edit | edit source]

Dick Cheney's instructions to the torturers[edit | edit source]

"Get it[11] done."

A torturer's intimation to the tortured[edit | edit source]

"This will hurt[12]."

The tortured's whining lament[edit | edit source]

"Ow. This should be illegal[13]!"

References[edit | edit source]

  1. All it took was the infliction of severe physical and psychological harm.
  2. Who himself has not come into the open.
  3. Geologic time.
  4. As they say.
  5. The beavers, not the repute. OK, the repute too.
  6. A dunce cap.
  7. For muscle relaxation.
  8. Not painful at all.
  9. The loudness problem is compounded by fixed-volume CDs, which force teenagers to play them extremely loudly. Marketing motives motivated this voluminous skulduggery.
  10. Of lamb.
  11. The roofing on the two car garage.
  12. Boy, did it ever (not[?])!
  13. He was (not [less than completely [the opposite of]]) wrong.