Effix Pooper
Effix Pooper (or Effix Poooper, or just Pooper) is a hard-surface pooper, created by Dr. Oetker's subsidiary cleaning chemicals company Effix. It serves the opposite purpose of usual cleaners like Windex and FedEx. When you mop the floor with this chemical substance, it grows greasy piles of feces all over the floor. It was banned in 2019.5 after Elon Musk sprayed Pooper all over New Fork for the lulz (haha funny Elon), forcing the New Forkers to do New Work.
His Troy[edit | edit source]
In Septetker of 2006, back when he had more free time, Oetker wanted to bring poop to a piss fight, but wasn't allowed to do so by the organizators. He still had a few days before the fight started, and his newfound interest in alchemy happened to give him an idea of making a substance that would turn piss into poop. He found out that mixing iodine and sulfur with his piss would make it grow into things that looked like poop and had a color that was closer to orange than to brown, which didn't quite satisfy him, and also didn't have the taste like poop. Unfortunately, Oetker had no time left to revise the chemical and had to use it like that for the fight, and it still had performed very well, as Oetker won the fight with 9.81118363 out of a total of 10 points.
Oetker remembered this one-off project in Ferbuary 2010, when he decided to dabble in household chemistry products under the company Effix. With his newfound knowledge of the brown color that he had discovered with Brownies, he managed to fine-tune the color of the grown poops and fix the taste by replacing piss with water, according to him and the journalists of Associated Mess[suspicious quotes]. This product was the first product that the Effix company released; it was a huge success in Serbia (poop likers), eventually growing the Effix brand to international scales.
In 2014, the first misuse of the product was documented, as a high-school student confirmed spraying Pooper over his exam papers to make them unusable. He was punished with 5 years of The Cursed Wiki Article and an A in his grades because all his poop was correct.
In 2019, the then-prime minister of Austraila, Scott Morrison, sued Dr. Oetker and Effix for $100,000,053 austrailan dollars, for alleged stealing of the patent, as Morrison had discovered this product in 1997, testing it in a McDonald's in Engadine. It was later discovered that Morrison did not patent his Pooper and actually didn't make it at all, as this was just an excuse that he made for soiling himself in a McDonald's.
In 2019.5, Elon Musk used a private jet to spray Effix Pooper all over New Fork, forcing the city to block all traffic for 20 days. He later donated 22 carillion dollars to Team Trees as a way of saying sorry for polluting New Fork, saying that he had "no idea what would happen and that he was just trying to have fun in his dire life for once". Nonetheless, Effix Pooper was prohibited from being sold and imported in the Utter Shit of Ass with all instances of Pooper being confiscated from American citizens, making Oetker lose a significant portion of market share (over 0%). Musk offered Oetker a seat on the SpaceX rocket that would ram into The Sun. Oetker politely declined the offer.[1]
During the Black Lives Matter protests in 2020, it was discovered that George Floyd had his lungs sprayed with Effix Pooper by a cop, which refutes the point of why could he say "I can't breathe" when he had no air, as this could be explained that with the poop gradually growing in his lungs, he found it harder to breathe. This caused a series of protests and riots, as it became apparent that the government and the army had huge reserves of Effix Pooper, even after banning and confiscating the product. And that's totally what the protests were about, as one of the chants that marked the protests were "We want Pooper". Unfortunately, like many other goals of this protest, this goal was not achieved.
In 2023, the product saw a resurgence in America, after fentanyl had been legalized under the Bidet administration. Many "pooper dealers" have appeared, selling Effix Pooper in fentanyl packages and Pepsi cans. 93.6% of them were arrested and in prison after they were caught, confiscating every instance of Effix Pooper.
After Donald Trump had been elected president in 2024, he had legalized Effix Pooper to satisfy his partner and lover Elon Musk. The Effix Pooper product's legality status has not changed since then.
Chemistry[edit | edit source]
Effix Pooper is a chemical compound of phosphorus, iodine, sulfur and water. Its formula is PH3ISO3. When reacting with nitrogen from the air, it can create large sticky brown cylindrical objects while freeing ammonia (NH3) in the air, creating a stench. The reaction goes as follows:
The chemical compound is held together by command bond, as Oetker had commanded the molecules to hold together, or else he'll snap their atoms in half.
Logo design[edit | edit source]
The logo was designed by some unpaid and inexperienced graphic designer, who offered his services for the measly price of 2 paperclips and 1 leaf. That's why the logo has an extra D, because the designer had given it a big D. Nobody has seemed to notice, as the D looks well enough like an O for it to work. Nobody bothered to fix it because nobody has noticed it yet.
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ That's why he is still alive.