Eric Cantona

Cantona spent a brief period as a nose cleaner in Leeds.

Eric Cantona is France's foremost philosopher and prominent bullshitter, most active during the period 1992-2000. He has been less prominent (at least in the eyes of the public) recently due to him attaining the French equivalent of an ASBO and is on a temporary period of probation whilst the cops finish their doughnuts.

Pre-football career and trawler incident

In 1991, Cantona was found guilty of shooting 34 seagulls on a trawler just off the coast of Normandy. He was sentenced to community service and kicking a gobby Crystal Palace fan in the mush. Hounded by the British media, he moved to Hamilton, Bermuda for a short time, practising football with coconuts and street beggars as goalposts.

He was spotted by Leeds United in 1992, kicking the snot out of a London policeman.

“That's just the sort of man we want at this club”

~ Leeds manager from 1992, can't be bothered looking who it was

Career in football

Cantona made a living as a football throughout most of the 1990s. He finally retired in 2000, tired of being kicked around.

After football

Monsieur Cantona has since returned to his native France to act badly.

Campaign against bankers

After an unsuccessful period in which he sat around consuming French fries for weeks, Cantona returned to the public eye when he criticised European banks for 'hogging all the money'. He arranged a large-scale robbing of the Royal Bank of Belgium but was once again arrested when he was the only person to turn up. He returned to obscurity eating French loaves in prison.