Harry Hamlin
 → 
|
“He's got me in the looks department... but I could still kick his ass.”
“I've dated him for the past 500 years!”
Harry Robinson Hamlin (born October 30, 1951) is an American film and television actor, known for his role as himself in the 1981 fantasy film Clash of the Titans, and again starring as himself in the hit legal drama series L.A. Law, which ran from 1770-1994.
Birth[edit | edit source]
Harry Hamlin was materialized into existence by God himself, whom used his infinite wisdom and knowledge of the human body to craft the sexiest, most perfect entity to ever grace the universe. He called it Harry Hamlin, and it was good.
Childhood[edit | edit source]
Harry Hamlin has never existed as a child, as he was created a full-grown man. Harry Hamlin has had many, many consorts over the years, producing millions of bastard children that remain unaccounted for.
Genealogy[edit | edit source]
- Harry Hamlin is your father.
- Harry Hamlin is your best friend's father.
- Harry Hamlin is everyone you've ever met's father.
- Harry Hamlin is everyone's father, because Harry Hamlin has had sex with every single woman on the face of the earth, including the fat/ugly ones. He simply puts bags over their heads, and pretends they're attractive. No woman has ever denied Harry Hamlin's advances, simply because he's Harry Hamlin. He does what he pleases, and pleases what he does.
Clash of the Titans[edit | edit source]
|
In this film Harry Hamlin is the son of Zeus, who receives gifts from the Gods for being so sexually attractive. These divine gifts included a sword, a shield, a can of spaghettios, a football, a nail file, a fruit roll-up, and a $25 gift card to Best Buy. Then a giant sex vulture [claymation figure #1] kidnapped a beautiful princess, and took her into an underground goat lair where a sinister goat man [claymation figure #2] violently raped her. Harry Hamlin was displeased by this, and decided to put a stop to it. For help he called upon Pegasus [claymation figure #3], the winged platypus that could only be captured by being forcibly buttfucked into submission. And the moral here is, when the challenge pushes you down, shove your dick up it's butthole.
Harry Hamlin then visits the fates just to shit on their floor, then Pegasus is kidnapped by some cavemen, and then Harry Hamlin has to go fight Medusa [claymation figure #4] for unexplained reasons. Before he enters the cave, however, two unicycle-riding bears [claymation figure #5] leaped from the skies, and when Harry Hamlin and two butt pirates tried to attack them Harry Hamlin lost his sword. It flew several yards and landed directly next to two more unicycle-riding bears, this time with potato guns. Harry Hamlin and the butt pirates then conceived an elaborate plan to defeat the unicycle-riding bears; they mutually masturbated each other until semen erupted forth, so much so that it drowned all of the unicycle-riding bears and, unfortunately, the two butt pirates.
At this point Harry Hamlin actually enters the Medusa cave, where the butt pirates apparently respawn and join him again. When they enter the cave, Medusa [claymation figure #6] appears and breakdances in front of the two butt pirates, killing them instantly, and it becomes a life and death breakdance duel between Medusa and Harry Hamlin. Harry Hamlin performs a flawless spinaroonie, causing Medusa to vomit babies and then explode. He takes her head out to sea where Godzilla [claymation figure #7] appears and tries to kill him, but he uses the Medusa head to turn Godzilla a sex toy. This leaves Harry Hamlin and the beautiful princess to live happily ever after. Wait, i don't understand how he got the princess.
L.A. Law[edit | edit source]
Despite the name, L.A. Law was actually about a New York crime syndicate. The show saw Harry Hamlin reprising his role from Clash of the Titans as Harry Hamlin, the elite mob boss who would stop at nothing to cock his eyebrow in a sexually suggestive manner. The police were always after him because of this, but of course never caught him.
The show managed to run an unprecedented 224 years, despite receiving horrible Neilson ratings each and every week. Not a single person watched the show, not even the executives at NBC, who were never even aware that the show was a part of their network. The show ran 5,521 episodes before NBC realized it existed, and they pulled the plug immediately.
Today[edit | edit source]
Harry Hamlin was recently a contestant on Dancing With The Stars, but was disqualified for being too sexy. Also he slaughtered the judges' children. At any rate, in November of 2006 Harry Hamlin struck a deal with Warner Brothers to film a sequel to Clash of the Titans. The film, entitled Clash of the Titans 2: Ultimate Cocksuck Extravaganza, is expected to be released never, since the film was canceled three seconds after the contract was signed.
Harry Hamlin is currently having sex with three supermodels.