I rule you!
“I'm so telepathic, I can read my own mind!”
I rule you! Smell the florid scent of my domination, submit to my will, you scoundrels!
From now on, you will do as I say. More accurately, as I write, and in committing my orders to the internets, I telepathically transmit my orders directly into your brainpan, where it rattles around and drives you crazy, until you obey.
I learned how to do this by going here to enhance my already inherent and very powerful, some say like that of a wizard, skills. I am ruling you right now!
Get a job. Eat those miniature corns you get in some of those Southeast Asian restaurants. Gobble like a turkey. Ransack a random underwear drawer and fill it with tacos. I command you!
Do what I say, now! Go to a convenience store and ask for a wading pool. Shave your eyebrows and draw new ones in with a mechanic's grease gun. Assault a clown.
“He will be ripped asunder by chihuahuas, with chainsaw hats.”