JRR Tolkien
Johnald Ronald Ronald Rolkien Tolkien (1896 - ???) was a prolific author of children's fiction, known best for his Fido and Buboe in Muddle Earth novels. Born to a mummy and daddy who loved each other very much (presumably), his childhood was spent in Sith Africa. This is like South Africa but pronounced differently and populated entirely by Star Wars characters. Rolkien's childhood adventures with Jedi and little fluffy aliens were to prove highly influential upon his later work. He is reportedly friends with your mum.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Johnald Ronald Ronald Rolkien, known to friends as Junior R., spent an idyllic childhood frolicking on the moons of Endor. He was forcibly removed from his childhood home at the age of eight, and sent to school in Victorian England, presided over then by King Henry VIII, where he was subject to cruel and unusual punishments for infractions such as "breathing too loudly", and "having ears". He escaped from the education system at age 14, and spent the years 1914-18 playing croquet professionally.
1928 Rap Battle With Michael Jackson[edit | edit source]
Known throughout the TriState Area as "The King of the Nerds", Johnald Rohnald attracted undue attention from the gutter press in 1927 for daring to use the title "King", as it was then considered blasphemous for non-pop royalty to use of themselves. This eventuated in a challenge from Michael Jackson, then King of Pop, which Tolkien accepted early in 1928. The two duked it out, spittin' rhymes in the legally approved fashion, until Jackson collapsed from heat exhaustion as he could no longer match the complex metre and rhyme schemes of Tolkien's poetry, delivered entirely in Klingon. Consequently, Jackson forfeited the title and remained forever Galadriel.
Muddle Earth Novels[edit | edit source]
There are 827 known Muddle Earth novels, with more being discovered every day. The series follows Buboe, and later his adopted great-grand-stepson's-neighbour's-dog Fido, as they negotiate issues such as alcoholism and computer game addiction together with a ragtag bunch of assorted orcs, gremlins, fairies and TV presenters, collectively known as the Mellowship. This appellation for their friendship group comes from a particularly memorable chapter in the first book, Buboe at the Cracks of Crack, where Almond Halfelbow is trying to convince Duplolas the Elf to give up snorting drugs. His friends are outraged on his behalf, and they all pledge to be friends forever and get matching pipeweed pipes. This makes them all feel "mellow", and thus, the Mellowship is born.
Critical Reception[edit | edit source]
Rolkien's work has been met with mixed reviews from critics, some of whom find the series "too pornographic", "boring", or "just the right size to prop my kitchen door open with". However, he has been widely hailed as a champion of books about dogs, who often find that little in the fiction market caters specifically for them.