Jackweed

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The Jackweed with some of its more common heads

The jackweed (Weedinus Jackingsus) is a very common but rarely noticed plant. It can grow between 1 - 7 feet in height, and .5 to 2 feet in width (Noone cares what that is in Metric).

The jackweed was first discovered in 1927 by a Scottish Florist named Sean Connery. He discovered it while weeding his garden, when he noticed that it had a very oddly shaped top. After staring for approximately 7.201 seconds, he realized it was the head of no-one's favorite person: George W. Bush Junior. After realizing this, he exclaimed, "ACH! What a jackweed!", as this was the only way he could describe his hatred for Bush Junior.

Vital Statistics

T'would appear that the name stuck; now the word is not only the name of a plant, but is also a generally offensive term used on anything that no-one should like.

The jackweeds caught on to this insulting term, and made fun of these people as well. They do this by adapting their heads to the shape of that person's face, so that everyone will rightfully refer to them as a jackweed. The most common heads of the jackweeds in order of appearance are as follows:

• That guy from the Canadian Tire commercials
• George W. Bush, dictator
• Stephen Harper, Hitler wannabe
• Stacey Ferguson, black-eyed pea
• 50 Cent, rap "artist" who should, logically, be dead
• That emo kid in the corner

Notable jackweed heads are:

• Santa Claus, fat pedophile

Habitat and Habits

Jackweeds grow in groups, normally wherever you would prefer that they not grow. They live by soaking up the water and minerals that other plants need, as well as blocking their sunlight and forcing them to whither and die. They are the moochers of the plant world.

If you want to grow a jackweed, which you don't want to do, follow these simple instructions:

1. Start a garden and take perfect care of it, making sure that it is pristine and beautiful in every way.
2. Watch the jackweeds take over.

Jackweeds in Pop Culture

No, I don't mean in that bad show with Elvira Kurt. That's just not funny.

Jackweeds have many different names in pop culture;

Asshats, Assheads, Bitch-bush, Foo'-flowa, Has-been-heads, Jackheads, Jackwads, Jays, J.W.'s, Mistake plants, Nobodies, Punkplant

It is also rumored that many regular Kitten-huffers experience hallucinations of jackweeds after a long night of Kitten Huffing. These jackweeds haunt them until they are sober again, but the memory still burns... it still burns.

Some people who find that Kitten Huffing doesn't screw them up enough will resort to using jackweeds as drugs... this is a very bad idea, but I'll tell you how to do it:

1. Pick a jackweed. It will probably spew obscenities like a sailor, but ignore it.
2. Choke the life out of it. Violently, please.
3. Punch it just once, for me. Preferably in the face.
4. Chop the head and stem into fine pieces. Do not ingest the leaves in any way, as they contain a shitload of LSD, DMT, THC, DDT, TLC, PCP, UFC, WWE, PPEC and Viagra. Them leaves'll fuck you up real bad!!
5. Take the fine pieces, and allow them to dry naturally in the sun. Or, just put them in the microwave on "sauté" for about 30 seconds.
6. Take the dry pieces, and stuff them in your nasal cavity. Leave them there until it burns, and leave them 'til it stops burning.
7. Aside from having a nasty, nasty nose rash, you'll be head tripped beyond your wildest imaginings.

Aside from drug usage, there have been other appearances of jackweeds in pop culture. Well, not really, just some mistaken jackweeds:

• The Baby-headed Sun from Teletubbies is not a jackweed. He's just really annoying, and should have been aborted.
• Jésus was not a jackweed, though Jesus Christ has been imitated by a few jackweeds. But those plants were killed swiftly and without mercy by psychochristians.
• Sunny from Parappa the Rapper is not a jackweed, she's just a rapper's hoe.