“Um, yeah... How in the hell do you say his last name without making teenagers around me laugh?”
John Boehner is a powerful, orange Republican demigod in Merka. His mission in life is to restore Merka to it's previous state; controlled by white people. Although no "journalist" has uncovered his disgusting addiction/perversion/criminality, he is sure to have at least one, since he is a Merkan politician.
He likes to have tea with the Countess on Thursdays, and drives a lovely motorcar. His mother was a pole vaulter and his father was a psychic beet farmer, where they got the dyes to make John orange. At 14, he married Katilda Malimformed of the Wachusett Malinformeds. They had 4 two-headed children who all went into the drywall business.
As a Congressman, Boehner is of average bombasticity, and above average orange. He sleeps on farm equipment to keep himself close to the people. He secretly pushes Illuminati programs, disguising them as short order cooks.
His leverage lies in the fact that he has perfect hair. No mortals dare oppose him, except under cover of darkness.