John Calvin

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“You are predestined to read this entire article. Yes, it's true! You have no choice, it's been ordained by Gawd and has already been decided so you ca- HEY DON'T YOU DARE CLICK THAT LINK, YOU'RE PREDESTINED TO FINISH READING THIS, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE”

~ John Calvin on this article
Calvin

Best friend of the stuffed toy animal Thomas Hobbes, with whom he performed in the vaudeville duo Calvin and Hobbes. He has suffered of hiccups for the last 4 years.

Life and Times[edit]

Calvin was born Jean Chauvin, because of his unwavering support for Napoleon, to Bill Chauvin and Jeanne Watterson on 10/10/1523. It was whilst reading Imaginary Friends at the University of Paris that he developed his famous intergalactic exploring alter-ego Spaceman Spiff. He was mortal enemies with his former babysitter Pope Rosalyn VII. After interfering with the Pope's phone calls to her boyfriend, and leaving her out in the rain, Calvin developed serious ideological differences with Pope Rosalyn. Calvin's main argument for his new direction of Christianity was that "girls had cooties", this is what we refer to today as Calvinism. Calvin spent a number of years on mars after he and his trusted assistant Thomas Hobbes toy penis to fly there, but found it boring and began to miss their penises and flew back home. By the way, he had sex with John Mccain and started to chant: Mccain sucks dick, Mccain sucks! He now lives in Penisville (a town where everyone is called John Calvin except the real John Calvin) and everyone called him Fatbutt!!! Calvin was also:

  • the inventor of Calvinball
  • founder of a religious boy band called the Calvinists
  • discoverer of the Calvin cycle in plants
  • founder and dictator-for-life of G.R.O.S.S (Get Reformed, Oh Slimy churcheS – Calvin thought the "Slimy" in G.R.O.S.S was redundant, but without it it didn't spell anything)
  • a major figure in Protestantism
  • president of the United States
  • Secretly in love with Susie Derkins
  • famed user of the transmogrifyer, which he used to transmogrify into a reformation era christian theologian
  • the Pwn'er of Michael Servetus.
  • a current supporter of John F. Kennedy
  • got a gold medal in the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, China
  • Founded Scientology and Branch Davidans.
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For those who can't handle the real truth, the spinners of fake truth at Wikipedia have a thoroughly boring article on John Calvin.

In the mid-1990s, Calvin and Hobbes got into a fierce debate about their epistemologies, but both were soon presumed dead following the Noodle Incident in 1995, and, thus, no side gained any ground. Contrary to popular believe John Calvin did not invent Calvinism; it was invented by Theodore Beza. If you weren't such and uneducated Philistine, you would have found the previous statement to be hilarious because its true.

See also[edit]