Malcolm X

Malcolm X

Last and most famous of a line of Malcolms stretching back ten generations into prehistoric times, Malcom X was well-known as the leader and chief confusion-maker of the X-Men. He was an amazingly prolific inventor, entremaneur, rabble-rouser and back door man directly or indirectly responsible for a host of modern marvels:

• Research he conducted on the heat-generating capacity of Angry Young Black Men was instrumental in developing Black Power, an alternative-energy source popular in the late 1960's. Unfortunately, the regulating devices were primitive, and Black Power soon gained a reputation for explosiveness.
• Designed a line of apparel including snazzy hats with his signature (a big 'X') on the front
• Developed a series of sensitive instruments capable of detecting hidden things and marking the spot where they were concealed.
• Issued the first rulebook for Tic-Tac-Toe.

Malcolm X was killed by piranhas in his bathtub on April 17, 1492, and ascended bodily into Heaven where he plays high-stakes poker with Jesus, Moses, Muhammed, and Brigham Young.

Other Malcolms In the Line

His predecessors include Malcolm I through IX.

Malcolm IX

Quite in contrast to his famous son, Malcolm IX lived a quiet suburban life as a successful dog breeder, inseminating Chihuahuas with cotton swabs. He became renowned among kennel clubs for his technique and attained a measure of financial independence sufficient to send his son Malcolm X to the finest Vo/Tech school his state had to offer.

Malcolm VIII

I'm Henry the Eighth, I Am, by Herman's Hermits, was huge in Japan. Malcolm VIII's success never equalled that of the people who covered his music.

Minor Do-Wop singer/songwriter who never quite achieved lasting fame. His eponymous song I Be Malcolm VIII was later covered by Herman’s Hermits as I’m Henry the Eighth, I Am and became a huge hit in Japan.

Malcolm VII

An underwater demolitions expert with the US Navy SEALS, Malcolm VII was killed in a freak accident involving an explosive walrus, details of which are still classified.

Malcolm VI

Following in the tradition of his father Malcolm V, Malcolm VI also became an actor, receiving an Academy Award nomination for his portrayal of Steve Urkel in the biopic Steve Urkel, Man Of Action.

Malcolm V

Successful actor who starred in the hit television series Malcolm in the Middle.

Malcolm IV

The first shoulder patches from Malcolm IV's Uterine Emergency Team carried this design.

Intending to run away and join the circus, young Malcolm IV fell in with a group of itinerant surgeons instead and became a First Response Gynecologist. His Uterine Emergency Team would later evolve into the FDNY Paramedic Unit and be immortalized on television by Randolph Mantooth and Kevin Tighe in the series Emergency!.

Malcolm III

Known only through his birth certificate and a hastily scribbled entry in a family Bible, Malcolm III is believed to have been born inside-out, surviving into adulthood thanks to a quick-thinking midwife who wrapped his little body in Saran Wrap to prevent evaporation.

Malcolm II

Born in 1695, Malcolm II was a Royal Good Luck Charm for Catherine the Great of Russia, who rubbed his head for luck during her frequent Kremlin crap games and orgies

Malcolm I

A Pharaoh of Ancient Egypt, Malcolm I would not Let His People Go. Eventually they tired of him, kicked his ass, and went anyway.