Martial Arts

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The History of Martial Arts (Minus the longwinded boring bits about hidden Dragons and crouching tigers)[edit]

Ever since humans were tiny cellular organisms there has been conflict between the macho and the weedy. This has often resulted that throughout the ages of weaker induviduals being excluded from activicties like sports, choice of location, breeding etc.

That was of course, until along came Jackie Chan. Deciding to stir things up in this heirachy (just for the heck of it), he taught the weaklings and wimps of the world martial arts. Soon the small and the weedy held their own with the brawny. To prove this to unbelievers Japan made countless documentaries of these incidents.

However the huge muscly people eventually caught on to the fiendish plot, learned martial arts, kicked various rectums and cosmic balance was restored to the universe.

Martial Arts You Could DO![edit]

Nearly anyone can learn these easily easy to learn martial arts. They've been taught for thousands of years, but according to my sensai they are taught " only so they need never be used". That would explain why his class are picked on at school so much.

Deja Fu[edit]

Hasn't this martial art been used against you before? Annoying, because once beaten up by this martial art you face certainty it is fated to happen again.


HOOOOOOYYY YAA!! Popular by carrots and gingers alike. This martial art is very basic but plays on the assumption that people don't want to touch fight gingers, or carrots for that matter in case of contracting gingervitis.

Judo Cluedo[edit]

You'll never guess who invented this one. Famed for it's ambiguous use of the lead piping this martial art is often performed by wealthy aristocrats who have a grudge against Mr Black.

Rende Fu[edit]

The fighting, though amazing and full of cool sfx, will only happen at the selected place and time.

Vettir Ung![edit]

Discovered by an unsuspecting phantom in a dark alley this martial art is infamous because of it's long term shellshock inducing qualities. Learned by old soldiers, vets and placenta eating goats at veteran meetings it is only used to vanquish those meddiling kids.

Gen Gotha[edit]

The only effective fighting style against emos that DOESN'T REQUIRE YOU TO BE HAPPY. It is mastered quickest by "cute" small children, whose master is usually a goth or something. They learn to be depressing beyond any emo's already maxed-out level of tolerance, making the emo explode. These children, however, act normal, but later grow up to be just like their trench-coated masters to teach the next generation of children how to fight the next generation of posers. Samuel L. Jackson is rumred to be a master of Gen Gotha.


Thyis martial art is so powerful that practicers of it have to be contained in red and white power orbs. PoeKceem-Onne is arguably the most popular martial art of all time - having subliminally told people to learn it through a childrens cartoon.

Nun Jitsu[edit]

Incredibly disciplined, the nuns who learn this must disconnect themselves with the outside world to focus their chi to the point of amazingness. Though old, stereotypical and wrinkly the nuns are able to do all kinds of stunts worthy of the matrix, and still look holy.

Rene Guard[edit]

Defected nuns began this one, training with fire and satanic rituals they quickly gained power. Though all of the followers were defeated by Nun Jitsu in Armaggedon it is making a recent resurge in popularity from Goths and emos.

Tired Kwan's Dough[edit]

Based on sumo wrestling this intensive sport involves high level concentration and twenty hours a day of focused sleep. Participants learn such awesome techniques as: rolling over, the ten second breakfast and professional snoring. It is believed that temples have been created to this religion at Lard Lads. However it recently lost popularity as the doughy participants didn't fit in with the media's healthy image.

Kaaht FiiitTeh[edit]

Invented by lorry drivers and the women from Sheila's Wheels this is the leading feminist martial art. Obcessive and animalistic; users attempt to dismantle each others hair and fake jewelery whilst ruining their opponents copiously-applied fake tan with big red slap marks. The leading organization for this reffers to itself as:


Two underground street branches are also known. The first one is pracitacly part of chav culture now, drawing on such deadly weapons as fake claws, metal teeth grills, heavy handbags full of make up and strength in superior numbers:


The second branch is practiced only by misinformed prostitutes in the poorer areas of London. Famed for it's long term impact upon victims and hand in spreading the AIDS Virus, it employs a similar style to the above example yet uses more cheese:


Ahngh Ream oBb[edit]

A group effort, this martial art focus the inner chi of everyone taking part so that mere laws don't apply. Users wield pitchforks and flaming torches as weapons and jeer loudly to ensure maximum focus is retained. They barrage their victims oppressors with raw hatred and blows to the head until nothing but a charred crater remains where civilization once stood.

Mu-hoo-sieve New Clear Bomm[edit]

Known as the poor man's defence and sneered upon by all snooty cluedo practicers this martial art involves using the readily able supply of deadly nuclear warheads to defeat opponents and shorten the drive-thru queue. Police take little action against this practice because of it's overuse and little impact upon society.

See Also[edit]