ROFLism

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“Finally, the people of earth get it right.”

~ Jesus on ROFLism

“This is ridiculous! Who would believe this shit?”

~ Tom Cruise on ROFLism

“In Soviet Russia, wheel spins you!”

~ Russian reversal on Reinvention of the Wheel

“I'm sick of these mother fucking idiots in this mother fucking country!”

~ Samuel L. Jackson on Decline in America

The history of ROFLism (rah-fole-izm) dates back to the mid-late 1990's. It is a fairly new political system, formed by the mixture of Socialism, Theocracy, The Bush Administration, Catholicism and Atheism. I'm sure you are thinking, "Theocracy... practiced by Atheists? Isn't this a little contradicting?" My response to you is, ROFL.

The belief and practices of ROFLism can be explained.

Practicing ROFLists at a weekly meeting. Treespeaker Chocula (left), ROFList Bishop Tony (right)

Explanation

ROFLism utilizes factors of several political and religious beliefs. In a country of ROFList rule, the leader is a giant tree. There is nothing extraordinary about this tree, other than the fact that it is said to have been around for a billion years. More information on the religious belief of ROFLism can be found in the Biblol.

Anyways, the country is under the rule of a giant tree. The name given to this tree is, TREE (Caps makes it important). Each year, a new treespeaker (similar to the pope) is elected, and it is his job to communicate with TREE. After speaking with TREE, the treespeaker will stand on a soapbox in the center of the country wearing the official treespeaker costume, and preach the word of TREE. This occurs about once a week, and all citizens are required to attend. However, they do not consider the TREE a god in some respects, however, they do consider it to be the founder of the world and higher power. TREE is all knowing, and all powerful, and if his rule is not followed through the treespeaker, the treespeaker has failed, and must die. Past Treespeakers have had diagnosed cases of severe insanity. A country that practices ROFLism is generally isolated, yet aggressive with all other countries that they interact with. They also have a secret police, known as the WTFustapo(wet-fu-stah-po). There is currently only one country governed by ROFLism, and it is the Soviet States of the Republic Americas.

SSRA History

Nader Era

After the Bush Regime ended, Americans were fed up with both Republics and Democrats. Thus, Ralph Nader was elected president. The country fell into decline economically almost immediately. The country was cut off from trade with everyone except China, whom limited trade to only WoW gold. This period of time was known as the Nader Drepression. Anti-Undecided Extremists devised a plan to topple the Nader Regime. Nader was soon assassinated, and America was in a state of political confusion. Congress had fled the country, realizing that some bad shit was about to go down, and the U.N. building was destroyed. The Vatican had excommunicated all Americans from the Catholic church, because Americans had become subhuman beasts. A Catholic rebellion occurred after being excommunicated, and rioting took place in streets across America. America was now isolated from any help from other countries. Europe cheered at the fall of the American Empire, and dedicated a holidy to this event. The official day of rejoice would take place on 1/3/37, the day that the American Government turned anarchist. It was only a matter of time before America would completely destroy it self. Truly a dangerous time to be alive.

The Stupid Fucker Period

Post-Nader era was known as the Stupid Fucker Period. Everyone in America just wandered around like idiots, says one survivor. Only one record from this time had been saved, and it was an account from possibly the last civil human being in America at the time. This man's name was Samuel L. Jackson.

World War 4

Eventually, after many years of chaos, America was invaded by nearly every country on earth. This became WWIV, and was all fought on North American grounds. Many cities were devastated all across the states, even some parts of Canada were obliterated. The victor was the Guam-Russian Alliance. The battle had been won from the start, because Guam was hiding a secret weapon known as the PEWPEWPEW LAZER Brigade. It consisted of about 500 very large space ships that no one on earth had witnessed before. The destruction level of these spaceships surpassed the power of any Nuclear weapon at the time. The Russians had provided funding for Guam, which is what bound them to an alliance.

A Few Minutes of Peace

Peace ftw!

World War 5

Eventually, Guam and Russia began to argue over the division of the Americas, at which point, the remaining Americans reconstructed a crude version of their former society, and took the Guam-Russians by suprise. Word gets out about the fighting in America, and WWV begins. Guam was destroyed first, after displaying the threat they posed in the previous war. After 50 years of bloody fighting, a small band of Slovak Forces gained access to nuclear stockpiles all across America. They launched all the missiles in a suicidal attempt to wipe out the entire continent. The plan succeeded if not, overkilled. The explosion was so large, it was able to shift the continent 50 feet into the Atlantic Ocean. Europe and Africa suffered huge tsunamis, which nearly annahilated all of Great Britain. 4/5 of the people in America were dead. The Swiss invaded America after news of the destruction got out. Having no experience in invading or controlling a new territory, the Swiss control of America was soon lost, and fell back into Anarchy.

North America/SSRA before and after the war.

Establishing Order

Many years passed, and the IQ of the world slipped more each year, until retarded was no longer a disability. In fact, it was considered above average. Almost all known records of our current civilization were lost, including famous events, creations, theories, ect. After 400 years without any orginized Government, a group of people known of ROFLists knew the country needed civil order, thus ROFLism was established.

Creation of the iChurch

Like all religions, ROFLism needed a headquarters for official ROFList events and activities. The iChurch was established, circa 2500 A.D. It is the equivalent to the Catholic Vatican. The iChurch received funding from apple, which gained rights to the naming of the church. Although rejected at first, iChurch was eventually accepted as the name of the church. It was built somewhere around the area of modern day Detroit, however the location has shifted several miles due to erosion and bombs. This is the place where the Treespeaker is elected each year, and since TREE has not yet been located on earth, there is a model replica of it in the iChurch which the Treespeaker uses to communicate with TREE.

The Biblol

The book of the ROFList faith.

The Biblol is the official text of ROFLism. It contains many passages and entries contributed by practicing ROFLists. There is only one known copy of this book which is held in a box at the iChurch. The Biblol is actually not large enough to qualify as a book, it is more like a pamphlet.

Page One

Page One basically discusses the events leading up to the creation of the world, which at the time this was written (2453-2554), was believed to have happened only 20 years ago. It talks about the evil ones, and how everyone is a tree in their inner spirit. Quite a good read for fiction lovers.

Page Two

Page Two begins to discuss TREE, the ROFList higher power. TREE is supposedly a billion years old, and indestructable. The location of TREE is never revealed, however it is revealed that TREE is not only a noun, but a verb, adjective, and adverb as well. Much like the word fuck.

Page Three

The writings on Page Three are unintelligable. There are several theories on how this happened.

• One is that the page was blurred after so many years of use.
• Two is that it was purposely done to allow the reader to make their own interpretations.
• Three is that is was purposely done because the writer was insane.

It is believed that the writing on this page was meant to be the intended language of the ROFLists. Oddly, this never caught on. English remained dominant, despite the obvious allure of the ROFLists' language only having seven characters, three of which are believed to represent André Breton.

Back Page

The back of the Biblol is blank, except for a little crown in the center that reads Hallmark. The iChurch deny's that the Biblol was written on a Hallmark Card, however their is much evidence to disprove them. The matter is quite controversial.

Contributions to the World

ROFList Mathematicians came up with the Metric Shit Ton, which replaced all current metric units. They also developed the recreation of the wheel. Proud of their accomplishment they boasted to the world about it, which was now entirely in economic failure and social disorientation. Many civilizations grew jealous of the ROFList wheel.

How did the World lose the blueprints for the wheel?

Well, after going through 3 or 4 depressions, and the Stupid Fucker Period, and 2 Nuclear Wars that nearly destroyed the entire planet, I'd like to see you show me a wheel that wasn't square.

Point Taken

Later in the Race for Fire, the SSRA lost to Japan. SSRA was now the most populated country in the world, and in anger of losing, they crushed Japan with the SSRA Created Wheel. All other contributions are still in progress.

10 Laws of TREE

There are only 10 laws a ROFList must follow so that he doesn't burn in Hell, which in the ROFList faith is nothing but a giant neverending forest fire.

• Never Burn Trees
• Do not Build houses on the Trees, they don't like it
• Never use TREE in vain
• Do not use wood to build things, use dung instead
• Kill a Lumberjack, all people are required to kill one lumberjack in their life
• Only the Treespeaker can talk to TREE, anyone else will be declared insane
• Treat all trees equally
• Do not rape a tree
• Don't shit in the woods (Bears are an Exception)
• Eat meat, always

Live by these laws, and most likely nothing will happen. There is no afterlife explained in the Biblol. The whole religion is a little doubtful.