Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Film

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Pictured: Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Film, presumably somewhere behind Julia Roberts.

Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Film is undeniably not one of the greatest actors in the history of stage and screen. He started his professional career in the 1980s by not appearing in several poorly produced Broadway shows, including Illogicopedia on Ice and Secrets of a Tollbooth Operator. From then on he went on to not-star in a number of other equally dismal, low-budget eyesores, before eventually not appearing in a series of major Hollywood box office bombs.

Some insiders suspect that the secret to Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Film's stellar acting career is the fact that he has never starred in a flop.

Career Highlights[edit | edit source]

  • Won the praise of critics for not appearing in 1991's Point Break, starring Patrick Swayze, Keanu Reeves and Gary Busey.
  • Saved his career by not appearing in Waterworld (or any other Kevin Costner film).
  • Enjoyed a particularly successful run in 2002 by not starring in Maid in Manhattan and The Adventures of Pluto Nash.
  • He has not appeared in any Ben Stiller movies, most importantly, Gigli.
  • Most recently, did not lend his vocal talents to the animated feature Mars Needs Moms.

Other Notable Films Not Appeared In[edit | edit source]

Catwoman From Justin To Kelly Daredevil The Cat In The Hat
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle Freddy Got Fingered Battlefield Earth Wild Wild West
Spice World The Postman Striptease Showgirls
Indecent Proposal Shining Through Hudson Hawk The Adventures of Ford Fairlane
Star Trek V Leonard Part 6 Howard The Duck Under The Cherry Moon
Any Stallone film Any Madonna film Any Pauly Shore film Any Liza Minelli film

At The Oscars[edit | edit source]

Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Film has never won an Academy Award. This is a significant achievement because critics cannot accuse him of not deserving one, and he can therefore never be "robbed" at the Oscars. However, his distinguished and spotless record has resulted in a number of grassroots campaigns to lobby the American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to recognize him with a special Lifetime Non-Achievement Award. However, as of 2023, his name has continued to fail to appear in any gold-lined envelopes.

Fitting, wouldn't you say?

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