Theorizing the Dead

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The Early Developments[edit]

From the beginning statement to the Westboro Baptist Church Man yelling "God hates the queers!", this theory that hours before you die you are alive was always a mindless concept. Although, picture this: someone winds up dead and time of death is undetectable. Would you say that they were alive before they were dead? Or dead before they alive? This question boggled the minds of 3 professors at Oakland Community College. Rick Daley, Steve Rutgers, and Roger Herman all were specially funded for this project by the Anonymous Man. This is their story.

Meeting of the Minds[edit]

At the first established meeting, Rick and Roger were of the earliest people at the meeting (in fact, the only people there). Steve was nowhere to be found, although in sight of his recent arm growth the boys figure he has found internet porn. Rick and Roger deserve this kind of R and R but, alas, time will not wait. They immediately sit down and discuss how to begin the experiment. They realize that for materials they will need a lab(basement if that's the case) and a test subject(preferably alive). Rick and Roger discover that to find someone willing to do this experiment, it will cost them. From the total 3 1/2 paperclips and 67 toothpicks rewarded to them as special funding, they decide that any normal person would love to have half a paperclip. The search is on.

The Perfect Test Subject[edit]

As Rick and Roger continue the search for a willing subject, Steve finally joins in the testing. Although not much, Steve gathers information on the dead and the living by brushing up on some science textbooks from his college professor. He mistakenly falls upon a page in which his whole life has been based on, a principle in which he lived by: babies don't come from storks. Steve, shortly after reading this gruesome line, slowly falls to the floor in a slumped posture. Steve begins to question himself and everything else he believed (including the point of the project, something that will change the whole course of the experiment). Rick and Roger are yet to become successful with filling the spot of the test subject.

Condescending Outcome[edit]

Rick and Roger have found their test subject. In between the paragraphs there was about a 36-hour time lapse. We apologize. Anyways, Rick and Roger have bribed their middle school teacher Mrs. Saunderson to be the test subject. She was rewarded half a paperclip for her troubles. Meanwhile, Steve comes to the conclusion that whoever wronged him with this heinous lie shall be inflicted large amounts of pain. Steve gathers his closest sidearms and travels to his parent's house. Upon entering, he is welcomed with a flash bang to his retinas and is humped into submission. As Steve lie quietly on the floor, Roger and Rick then bust through the entrance and whip out their closest sidearms. Refusing the temptation to quit, Roger and Rick then proceed beating the dishwasher until it must tell them the location of Steve's parent. Steve now crawled into a corner and recited his favorite poems and stories, including this one. Roger and- wait. If he recited this story while it wasn't finished, then that means... oh no. Steve can see into the future, Roger and Rick die, the end.

True Condescending Outcome[edit]

Steve lives.