This is the story of Bob
This article is one of Illogicopedia's EPICs.
The death of Bob[edit | edit source]
Bob was walking along, when he realized he was dead. "I'm dead," he said tonelessly. So being dead, he had to figure out a way to deal with it. He wondered how he could still have a body, and be walking around and stuff, then figured that could just be what it's like to be dead.
He contemplated about whether or not he liked being dead. "I don't like it," he decided. "It's confusing." So he decided he wanted to come back to life.
He created a plan:
- He would go to his graveyard and retrieve his body.
- He would figure out the secret of life.
- He would use this secret to bring back his body.
It was a simple plan to get back to life again.
The word on the street[edit | edit source]
Bob went out into the street and started walking toward the graveyard. A car came zooming toward him. However, he had no need to fear for his life. He was dead already...
"Take my hand if you want to live!" shouted a word as it went charging into the street. Bob grabbed one of the word's letters.
"Yeah, I want to live!" said Bob, as the word pulled him away from the car's bumper. "But what good is this going to do? I'm dead!"
"Don't talk like that! You are not going to die!" the word said as it pulled him along.
"How can I die? I already am dead!"
"Well, it doesn't look that way!"
"Oh, yeah? Then why am I talking in italics?"
Encounters with a dumb wiki user[edit | edit source]
A contract. At the bottom it says, "sign here." Instead of writing out his name, the dumb wiki user signs with four tildes.
He thinks it will look like this: Some WHAT!? (talk) (contribs) (edit count) 20:14, 3 Aym 2008 (UTC)
In truth, it looks like this: ~~~~
You are not entitled to view results of this poll before you have voted.
Bob walked along unnoticed. He was dead, but he was quickly understanding that he didn't know why.
Difficulties with the ice cream man[edit | edit source]
While he contemplated the cause of his death, he went to get some ice cream. He went to the nearest ice cream place and asked for some. But then, he was actually charged by the guy at the counter!
"How am I supposed to have money?" he said. "I'm dead!"
"No you're not!" said the guy at the counter. "How would you be able to walk and talk that way?"
"Maybe that's just what it's like to be dead."
"Maybe you're a lunatic!"
"Well, I am dead, I know that for certain!"
Then the manager came in. "Hello," he said to Bob. "You can have that ice cream for free. Since you're dead and all."
"Finally, someone believes me!" said Bob.
"But then you have to go to the insane asylum."
"Because you're dead."
"Aw, being dead is so confusing!"
The asylum of death[edit | edit source]
He was allowed his ice cream. Then he was taken to the insane asylum. There he met someone who recognized him. "It's Bob!" she said, staring at him. "But he's -- but he's... dead!"
"Exactly why we brought him here."
"Hey, wait, I'm not dead!" said Bob, then corrected himself. "I mean, I'm not insane!"
"That's true!" said the person who had recognized him. "How can he be insane if he's dead?" Then she realized her fail in logic, and said, "Wait, no, he's back from the dead. Otherwise he wouldn't be walking and talking."
"No, wait!" said Bob. "I really am dead. I could go to the graveyard and find my gravestone. Then you would know I was dead! Sheesh, you'd think that when you were dead the people around you would understand it!"
"I let you have free ice cream," said the ice cream shop manager, who had apparently had nothing better to do then follow Bob to the insane asylum.
"Okay, go ahead."
"What?" said Bob.
"Go to the graveyard. Find your gravestone."
Off to the graveyard[edit | edit source]
So Bob went wandering in the graveyard.
Bob was confused by the whole affair. First, how did he die? Second, if he was dead, why was he walking and talking. Third, why couldn't anyone seem to understand that he was dead? Fourth, beyond that why did people think he was insane? Fifth, why did it seem like he couldn't... find his gravestone... anywhere?
Suddenly, he thought he was realizing something...
Yes![edit | edit source]
He was in the light now...
Yes![edit | edit source]
"Aha! It's all a plot!"
No![edit | edit source]
"So these people are trying to make me think I'm alive. So they're trying to fool me, so that I will be content with the fact that I'm dead. Well, I'm NEVER going to fall for that! As for my grave, I believe my body was stopped from being buried, so that when I searched the graveyard, I wouldn't be able to find it! I must take action!"
Action at the supermarket[edit | edit source]
Yeah, he figured that was the right place to find his dead body. He went around to the back, so he could get in sneakily. Suddenly, he saw a suspicious box. It looked like his dimensions. He opened it up. It contained...
watermelons.[edit | edit source]
Ignoring the fact that the one of the supermarket staff was yelling at him for opening the packages of food, he shouted, "THEY REPLACED MY BODY WITH WATERMELONS!" and went off to find a crate that said "WATERMELONS" on it.
Of course, that exact crate said "WATERMELONS." So he started walking around, and then he noticed that same box out of the corner of his eye. He opened it, and saw its contents. "No," he said.
"No..." "No..." "No..." He checked each watermelon box he found. Then, he reached the last watermelon box to be found. It contained...
miniature refrigerators.[edit | edit source]
They were, like, these one foot tall refrigerators.
Ignoring the fact that all of the people who were carrying packages were staring at him, he shouted, "THEY REPLACED MY BODY WITH MINIATURE REFRIGERATORS!"
Suddenly, he spotted two of the guys who were carrying a crate of miniature refrigerators. He went up to the crate and was about to open it when
"HEY! SOME GUY'S HERE TRYING TO STEAL OUR MERCHANDISE!"
"No, no, you don't understand! I'm dead!"
"Get out of here, you thief!"
"No, seriously! I'm dead, and I'm looking for my body."
"Lamest excuse I've ever heard. Now get out of here before --"
"No, you've got to help me! There's a conspiracy going on, I can tell!"
"I said, get out!"
Getting out[edit | edit source]
Bob shot upward like a rocket. He didn't quite know how he was able to do that, but maybe it had something to do with being dead. In the air, he was able to think. He thought about what people had said to him. If everybody was so certain he was alive, maybe they were right. But he felt like an idiot to believe it. He didn't want to fall for any sort of conspiracy that was going on. He wished the word hadn't saved him on that street. It didn't to any good, and that was when the suspicious stuff started...
He realized suddenly that he was plummeting rapidly. He fell into the ocean, and just relaxed with the knowledge that he was already dead, and no harm could come to him.
Suddenly he intook sharply. He had ran out of breath under the water. Salt water flooded his mouth and nose, stopping his breathing and causing a sting in his nostrils. He felt a reflex that would have caused him to cough on the water, if he had any air to cough with. A cold sensation filled his body, but at the same time he felt exhausted...
Hey! Hey! That guy's drowning! Save him![edit | edit source]
Water flooded out of Bob's mouth and nose as he regained consciousness.
"Are you alright?"
"I'm not sure..."
"How'd you get in the middle of the ocean with clothing on?"
"I fell from... the supermarket?"
Bob didn't really care about what the cause of all this was. He was just glad to be alive...
Suddenly realized something.
Yes![edit | edit source]
He was in the light now.
Yes![edit | edit source]
"Something is wrong with that supermarket's crates! They got a watermelon box full of mini-refrigerators!"
There was a conspiracy going on. He could feel it...