“Mmmmmm.... lick it off me”
Ice cream - the official winner of Connect Four!
- ONLY SPECIAL PEOPLE MAY READ THIS SPECIAL ARTICLE ABOUT ICE CREAM!
What The F^%k is Icecream?!
Ice cream is a creamy iced substance that helps the world go round. Much like Superman, it gives people extreme powers and fat. It is eaten all over the world by douchebags and people too lazy to eat a substantial meal. It is the most famous dessert in the history of man EVUH and has one up to 78 Emmy awards and 5 Grammys. It has released 34 albums and 7 behind the scenes DVDs.
It is a well known fact that ice cream tastes good with EVERYTHING, no matter what it is.
It's also a lethal poison when prepared in a certain way, but that's an article for another day.
Now, ice cream was invented in 16dickedy9 when a bunch of monks found a freezer in their non-existent bathtub(which was clearly from the 80s) and decided to put a cow in it. Six months and 36 excruciating hours later, the first tub of ice cream was born. They called it Willy the Blood bucket because really it was just a bucket with some frozen milk and a foetus in it. After eating this mysterious substance, the monks became addicted and took all of the cows in the country and put them in the freezer too. This is also how cows became extinct.
Ice cream today
Ice cream today is only eaten by lonely, desperate housewives with nothing better to do with their lives than drink wine and eat away their depressing lives.
Oh God*shnockleshnockle*! My son has soccer practice this afternoon and I still haven't finished cleaning the house, washing our goat and doing the shopping and the rest of my 18 children feel like they're not getting enough out of the washing machine these days. The worst part of it all is that my husband hasn't been home for the last 6 years and the police said that they found his skeleton 3 years ago but I know better! He's just hiding from me! Oh God, I need ice cream! - irritated mother of 5
Underground ice cream is the underground sport of eating ice cream in waffle cones. Only the most courageous of people do it - i.e.. those good for nothing teenagers and tweens who think their game enough for it. Adults cannot play because the sport is simple too hardcore and dangerous.
The underground ice cream was created in 1978 when an angry teen individual tried to commit a tasty suicide by filling a waffle cone with vanilla ice cream and stuffing it into his mouth. Though this suicide attempt didn't turn out, the teen quickly realised that waffle cones were really delicious with ice cream and thus spread the news of his discovery.
Underground has various difficulty flavours that one can move up, much like the belts in karatay. In order to move up to another flavour, an individual must complete a set of 5 tasks to prove that he or she is mentally and physically ready for a more extreme level.
The flavours go like this:
- Preparation stage - Vanilla
- Easiest- Rainbow coloured Vanilla
- Slightly harder than Easiest - Strawberry/Vanilla wave
- Harder than Slightly harder than easiest but still pretty easy - Full Strawberry
- Easier than medium but getting harder - Banana/Vanilla wave
- Medium - Full Banana
- Slightly harder than Medium - Chocolate/Vanilla wave
- Harder still than medium - Full Chocolate
- Difficult - Cookies and Cream
- Getting pretty damn hard - Coconut
- Really Hard - Pistachio
- Hardest you can get before going into expert levels - Mango Sorbet
The following levels are the extra special expert levels that one can only reach by completing all other flavours and proving themselves as a true underground ice cream eater. Most people never reach these levels in a lifetime.
- Expert - Apple Sorbet
- Good Expert - Orange sorbet
- Great Expert - Watermelon sorbet
- Super Expert - Pineapple sorbet
- Super Special Expert - Double Choc Orange
- Super Special Sexy Expert - Double scoop Vanilla and Chocolate
- Awesome Special Expert - Double scoop Banana and Coconut
- Wicked Awesome Special Expert - Double Scoop Cookies and Cream and Pistachio
- Wicked Cool like Awesome Expert - Triple scoop Coconut, Mango Sorbet and Orange Sorbet
- Extra Wicked Cool like Awesome Expert - Triple Scoop Watermelon, Pineapple and Double Choc Orange
- Super Special Sexy Wicked Cool like Awesome Expert Expert - Quadruple scoop Mango, Apple, Pineapple and Double Choc Orange
Only one person in history has ever reached the Super Special Sexy Wicked Cool like Awesome Expert Expert stage. This person is known as Hugabert Quenchlimon Chinkysmut Jr though this name is rumoured to be fake. Hugabert Quenchlimon Chinkysmut Jr reached this level only 5 minutes before turning 20 and being deemed a full adult. It took him a full 11 years to read this level, having been pushed into the cruel, dangerous world of underground ice cream eating at the tender age of 9. He is also the youngest known person to enter underground ice cream, most kids entering at age 9 and 3/4.
How to eat ice cream: A step by step Guide
- Buy some ice cream or make some the way the prehistoric monks of 16dickety9 did
- Make a spoon from pipe cleaners and washing detergent
- Take off all your clothes
- Break your Microwave with a chainsaw
- Check the date. If it's Tuesday, remember to feed the prisoners you're holding in your basement
- Get a proper spoon and a bowl/ice cream cone
- Place your ice cream container on a flat, hard surface
- Take off the ice cream lid
- Hold your spoon by the handle and lower it to the ice cream
- Dig the spoon into the ice cream
- Pull the spoon through the ice cream until you have a reasonably sized scoop
- Carefully lift the spoon
- Move the spoon so it's over your bowl
- Put the ice cream into the bowl. Make sure the spoon isn't still attached to the ice cream
- Kill some people with a toothpick and steal the Saturday. This is an essential step so be sure not to get it wrong
- Repeat steps 9-15 until desired amount of ice cream is in the bowl
- Take your bowl of ice cream and spoon to a place where you can sit down and eat
- Take your spoon and use it to scoop up a little bit of ice cream
- Place ice cream in your mouth
- Move jaws up and down
- Swallow ice cream
- Repeat steps 19-22 until ice cream is gone
- Scream 'I SCREAM YOU SCREAM WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM' 3 times
- Clean bowl and place ice cream back into the freezer
Well done! If you just followed all those steps, you've just finished your very first bowl of ice cream! Congratulations. Give yourself a pat on the back and a round of applause, you should be proud of yourself.
Ice cream in the future
Many leading scientists believe than in the future, ice cream will remain exactly the same except with more daring flavours and different ways of serving it. One theory is that instead of eating it out of a cone or a bowl, people will eat it out of a box made out of rat poison. Another theory is that people will have in injected directly into their blood streams, though it's more likely that it'll be injected directly into the bowel so people can eat it straight from the toilet bowl. Many people believe that that theory is a load of edible crap.
Some ice cream is made of win. Others are made of ice, and others still of cream. One, though, is not made with any of this. It was created in sector 13 of planet DOOM, when a piece of evil broke off it. Thus, it is the ice cream of doom and should never be eaten. It is currently being held in a dark freezer(OF DOOM! You thought I forgot of the apparent evilness of this section?)and the recipe in a safe, is a box, with locks, in a stolen high school locker, in an unknown lake, with a giant metal wall around the lake, with a mountain range outside the wall. Experts say more protection is advised but not necessary. A duplication could kill millions.