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Some toilets are particularly mischievous. This one's stolen my Nectar card. Barsteward.

"Want a Sprite Cranberry?"

~ Chuck Norris on Toilet

“Oh noes! It's splashing at me”

~ Scared Guy

“Never fear, Captain Bailiff is here!! We're taking this as well as your cat, aaaaaand all your left socks.”

~ Captain Bailiff

“But bailiff, I have thwarted your evil plan by wearing right-footed socks on my left foot!!”

~ Scared (but apparently resourceful) guy

“Yes, But now your right big toe is slightly restricted due to the shaping of the sock!! Mwahahahahahahahaha!!”

~ Captain Bailiff

“Damn you Bailiff, you bastard!! Damn you all to hell!!!!!! Now I have to permanently adjust my sock placement, a minor but nonetheless annoying inconvenience!!”

~ Scared and slightly uncomfortable foot guy

Toilets are carnivorous mollusc witch doctors who clamp themselves to the floor in peoples' bathrooms and downstairs "toilets" rooms. Toilets are hard to remove and much unneeded expense is required. Toilets will feed on nearly anything, but cannot stomach poo because of its texturous fibrin and degrading taste. This is thought to be behind the increasing rate of toilet starvation.

How do I get rid of this monstrosity then?[edit | edit source]

To banish a toilet from the house plead with it persistently using tactically astute one-liners such as "come on" and "be a friend. Please?". Easily persuaded toilets will then remove themselves and be taken to whence they came - the hardware store;

Toilets will actually be removed after the initial banishment in about 6-8 weeks by burglarstrained professionals, terms and conditions apply. Lucky contest winners WILL have their heads flushed down the toilet. It is inadvisable to banish all the toilets from your house - laws were passed for public hygiene you know.

How to tell if you've got a toilet.[edit | edit source]

Some toilets are evil and must be disposed of immediately.

If you have a toilet lurking slyly in your house, leeching off of your water supply and eating your spiders you may notice a flushing sound every so often as well as an appropriate place to deposit your waste fluids. Also if every time you go into your normally spacious bathroom to think about life and spy on the hot neighbour who's just moved in downstairs , a nice hole in the floor being in place for you to see into their bedroom; if instead of this you either trip over or faceplant into a toilet shaped object that looks like a toilet with a elegant toiletty musk that's somewhat ruined by another cruder smell, then that object may be concealing the whereabouts of the toilet. (Usually asking the toilet shaped object that looks like a toilet where the toilet is in mock grunt like noises then it will tell you). Be sure to reward the toilet shaped object that looks like a toilet with a dog biscuit, or an actual dog. Just stick it in face first. Goodbye Rover.

Now that you have located and banished your toilet (thanks to the help of the toilet shaped object that looks like a toilet) you can now release your bowels anywhere you like.

See also[edit | edit source]