Trying to be helpful

Trying to be helpful doesn't usually work. Mostly to blame for that fact is your long-standing acquaintance Murphy's Law, which seems to only ever manifest in skit shows and dance montages.

Believe it or not, however, you actually have attempted a few things which were helpful for the most part, like recovering from your crippling fizzy pop addiction by resolving to several, several cartons of pineapple juice.

Things that the government wants you to perceive as helpful

No matter how empowered you feel, these things will probably leave you one step away from seriously maiming somebody and/or instigating another dance montage.

• Holding a ladder for somebody. This has happened countless times — primarily during opening credits — and often ends in disaster. Or, at least, having disaster awkwardly fall onto you from significant heights.
• Adjusting a loose screw on a ladder for somebody. This usually leads to the same result, except more or less involving dinosaur bones and a whole ton of wasted glue.
• Endowing someone with at least fifty unnecessary remote controls. To most people this would be insignificant but those who can't live without technology, fancy hats or socks and sandals will treasure it always.
• Distributing soft drink. This is unacceptable.
• Leading a safari expedition. No, those lions aren't only attempting to be friendly with us, especially since we've just pulled out our sandwiches for lunch and left the window open. Am I able to approach you about this no fun guarantee whilst the quicksand slowly engulfs us?
• Owning a perpetual supply of fanny packs. This only leads to confusion as some of us refer to them as bum bags for obvious reasons. Plus, no matter how convenient they seem you never really see them being used for anything except loose change in the retail industry.
• Working in the retail industry. If you're not going to show someone where the super-dangerous red button is, don't opt to work at Harvey Norman electronics and appliances or else your customer will likely end up on a trip to the party store and the nearby cheese establishment.
• Working in any industry. Things will go wrong.

Now, tell me, are you from Melbourne or Texas?

Things that the government wants you to believe

There are several things that the government wants you to think are true, when in fact, they may not be.

• There are no reptilian aliens running things in the government. If there weren't reptilians (but naturally draiks & grarrls for ex. are really, but meh) disguised as janitorial staff, vampires would be better than werewolves. As it stands, God is on our side.
• There is a pill that cures assholery. It turns out that without a critical mass of assholery, nothing ever gets done. The study of this subject is called Boot-in-the-ass psychology.
• Sheep are not allowed to hold government jobs. No sheep has ever been granted a job interview, in this life or the next. Proof of a next life is cantilevered with yet more cheese.