Whether it's through compulsory community service for crimes we won't go into or just personal choice, you've just joined illogicopedia. First and foremost, may I take your coat *rifles through the pockets*.
This greeting if not nailed to your forehead (or applied forcefully with No More Nails) is most likely from an admin/werewolf/Jonas the Happy Vandal/Sysop which makes it excellent, so RELAX. Now we're all relaxed, I'll quickly get through the bits you need to know (rules and where to go etc, and my bribe of course):
- If you're actually a vandal then prepare to be squashed by an oversized novelty sandal.
- If you're a complete beginner to wiki's then you may want to click here.
- If you're nibbling on any cheese or cookies at the moment, STOP!
...Hammer Time! Those are for Santa - our resident stuttering old perv.
- Just so you know what we're about (the life drawing class is left of that pop-up) I'd advise clicking here. I have to emphasise the section "In comparison to other wikis", just incase you're a fleeing uncyclopedia/uncycling flea user etc.
- Any featured work will be rewarded with a gold star (to put on your Christmas tree) whilst any !$"?@#!1*&!! work will be rewarded with a swift slap to the chops.
- If you turn out to infact be a brilliant user and aren't at this point laughing at the huge crater you've made where the Illogia once stood then you could be elidgible for Writer of the Month (or at least an unofficial Insane/Dedication award). If all else fails drink holy water and watch as a big hole-y forms through your heart.
- If it all goes horribly wrong and the police find your stash of Nuclear warheads, have broken into your house, and the ghost busters are unavailable then you should probably franticly claw for help in the direction of these guys.
- If you want to wear a funny wig and sit in a house full of commoners or lards then a political party membership may be for you. I recommend the Strangled Cats party.
- When we finally figure out you're the user that keeps stealing our pocessions we're going to need to keep in touch with you (so we can get a clear shot at ya :P). So please feel free to leave comments on user's talk pages or our sparkling forum. You can talk to us directly on our IRC chatroom.
- Now all that's left is the complimentary welcoming mint, and my bribe. £<insert number with more zeroes than Binary Code at the end of it here> please. Make all cheques payable to hell.
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Now we've got the automated stuff out of the way, welcome! Hope yew have fun on ?pedia :) 
