From Illogicopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This article was
too bizarre for Uncyclopedia,
  but Illogicopedia loves random stuff
 Uncyclopedia.png Wiki.png 

Helen, Helen Wheels!

~ Paul McCartney


The wheel, unlike the common opinion, was not invented in Mesopotamia in the 5th millennium BC. In fact, it was invented by a young caveman several million years before that, but he might've called it something along the lines of "URGHAB BAJHGS". It was only by a mistake that he was actually thought to be the inventor of the chair instead. He was born somewhere between the creation of the earth and the invention of the wheel. He was born to a couple of nut-size brained parents who surprisingly managed to raise him well. He never had a birth name, for at the time of his birth the ability to speak was a rare gift and names were not yet invented.

He grew up (to about 1.35m) in a small cave, carved in the side of a little mountain in the middle of a great valley. In the valley there were also a small river and a medium size forest.


For several years the inventor lived there with his parents and had a very happy life. Until one night, when he and his parents were all fast asleep, a weird noise came from the forest. At the beginning it was very faint, but as midnight approached the noise got louder and louder. At midnight the noise had suddenly started moving from the middle of the forest towards the little cave the inventor and his family slept in.

One of the inventor’s parents woke up when the noise got close to the cave, but it was too late. There was nothing he could do. The noise making creature, with its huge, kind of square fangs, and its completely square mouth (which is now known to be a tractor, sent back to the past through a rip in the space-time continuum) was too close. There was no time to run. He woke up his companion for life and together they took the inventor to the back of the cave and got out to fight the dreadful creature. When the inventor, still a little boy, heard his parents scream he woke up and went to see what happened to them. When he got to the end of the cave, still a little sleepy, all he could see were his dying parents and the horrible creature coming his way. Suddenly, a lightning came from the sky and struck the gigantic, out of control tractor. The only memory the inventor had from this extremely saddening incident was the image of a flaming wheel saving him from danger. His parents did not survive the fight, but he was sure that if he could possibly create another flaming wheel he could bring his parents back.

Creation of a new wheel[edit]

So he devoted his life to creating a new wheel and burning it. Making a new wheel was quite easy, and after a few years he managed to create a wheel very similar to the one he had seen that night. But making fire, and burning the stone wheel, was a totally different thing. He never managed to burn the wheel, and therefore he decided to sit on it.



The wheel is used in many modern and practical applications today, such as running the computers that society has come to know and love. While the specifics are unknown and are reserved to Apple (under section 3 clause 2 sentence b of the Terms and Conditions), we do know it involves hamsters and lots of running.


New models of microwaves are coming out that do not leave one part of your delicious leftover lasagna an arctic tundra while the other part is the surface of the sun. This is achieved once again by complex processes that involve turning the food constantly and evenly. This can only be achieve with the help of wheels.

Science Fiction[edit]

Many bestselling science fiction novels include magical transportation of people and things with interesting vehicles called "cars". These advanced machines use four wheels to maneuver around the earth, going up to 20 times a human's normal walking pace. However, our limited power technology cannot provide enough fuel to drive these behemoths, making them an unlikely invention for near-future.