A recent letter from the de$k of YouTube, LLC.

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We are watching YOU!

Hello Dan,

We have looked at and reviewed your letter to us concerning many flaws with YouTube. On normal circumstances we would have dumped this letter out; however, it was sent via regular mail, which shocked us majorly. Our master business partner Google Empire Inc. wanted to respond to you telling you to get with the times: switch to Gmail, nobody uses snail mail anymore. We also decided that we might as well answer a few of your questions.

In your letter, you questioned YouTube’s new look, saying it was “complete garbage” and asked us if we even beta-test our new looks at all before putting them out there. This makes us sad. We would like to say that we are offended that you think that and we will have you know that we do beta-test our new looks, even if it’s only with people who are paid bajillions of dollars to say “it’s perfect.” Then once it’s implemented, we fix out the bugs.

You also talk about how you are a musician and how if you become famous, you want to “post your own videos” and not be bought out by VEVO. Don’t worry, you don’t have to join VEVO. You will be able to post your own videos... although they will get removed on the first day they’re up and be reposted on VEVO in a much lower quality that will most likely take forever to load. Ha-ha!

You also complain about how you don’t like the new design for channels, saying that they mercilessly copy Facebook and Twitter. This breaks our heart when you say this. We did give mercy to Facebook and Twitter. In fact, we will have you know that we paid them huge amounts of money just so we could copy them! And then we still have to include a link to your profiles on both sites on every new channel! You also asked if the new look is mandatory. Well, don’t worry. It won’t be mandatory until we bribe people with bajillions of dollars to “beta-test” it by saying it’s perfect.

You question whether YouTube’s real purpose is to give people a website to post videos on. Okay, you got us there. You’re correct: our real purpose is to make a monopoly on the video website community, then make it almost exactly like Facebook and Twitter, and finally bury ourselves in our piles of money.

In your final sentence, you say that if YouTube continues making these moronic changes, you are going to switch to another website. Well, good luck with that! YouTube is the most popular video sharing website out there! If you switch to any other website, you will become unknown before you can say “money!” Plus, we’re Google! We’re the largest corporate empire since the Sith! We not only own a $earch engine, but also a mailing $ervice, a web brow$er, a $ocial networking $ite and two video ho$ting web$ites! You cannot run! You cannot hide! MWAHAHAHAHAA!

Peace off,

Big Brother YouTube, LLC.

P.S.- We’re going to suspend your YouTube account now.