Aversion
 → 
|
Aversion, Avery, Avesta, A.....wait....THAT'S IT! Oh my God, I can't believe it's taken me this long, but that's the word! AVERSION!
All those wasted conversations, all those wasted sentences. And finally, like some golden chariot of goodness and justice, this dictionary has shown me the light! It's all flooding back to me now. All those conversations over the years, every time I couldn't think of a word, and had to use another to fill it in....it was aversion the whole time! I feel whole, once again! Finally, I can lay the hanging sensation of all those incomplete conversations to rest. No more will I suffer from the constant agony that is not knowing what word I was looking for, because I finally found it! And happened upon by chance, no less. Who would have thought that I would have found the word while casually browsing the dictionary?
But wait. The wholeness is only so whole. It is not perfectly whole yet. It's like an obtuse segment of the entire big round pie, filling, but not full. All those incomplete sentences...they remain incomplete. They've already been stated, already happened. Nothing can change what happened in those conversations, some of them years old. Some of them decades old! If I were over a hundred, I'm sure some of them would in fact be a century old!
But wait! Maybe there is a way! Hmmmmmm....
Ring! Ring! Ring![edit | edit source]
Hello?
Mark?! Is that you?!
Yeah, it's me. Who the fuck is this?
No time for that Mark. Listen to me. This is Rod, I know it's been a while, but I've got great news man! I've FINALLY found out that word I couldn't think of that time we were talking about our 5th grade teacher Mrs. Grunion! It was-
What? Who the fuck is Rod? Who the fuck is Mrs. Gru-
Look man, I've got to tell you this so I can finally put my anxieties to rest! The word was AVERSION! It's haunted me all those years, and I had to call you first because it was the first conversation that this ever happened to me. I can even remember the sentence, word for word!
Look, I don't have time for-
"Dude, Mrs. Grunion totally smells like an onion. I mean, that kind of rhymes too, it would be funny if it wasn't so terribly true, you know? I've really developed a....a uhm....well, I've learned to stay away from her is what I mean. You know?" THAT was my mess up! THAT led to years of torment and anguish! When it really should have gone, "I've developed a strong AVERSION to her!" Isn't it great man! I finally got some restitution for this problem! I finally found the word! And YOU got to be a part of that!
...
Mark?
click!
Man. If I'm gonna finish all these by tonight, I'm gonna have to find a way to speed this up a little.
Knock Knock Knock![edit | edit source]
Oh, hello.
(in a robotic drawl, read from an index card) Hello Sir, Madam, or child. In a recent epiphany of epic proportions, it has come to my attention that after years of torture, depression, agony, anguish, and some other depressing words, I have found a way to stop exactly whatever it is I've been referencing in this sentence. And now, YOU can help me to make up for all these lost years.
Wha-
What's that? What are these enormous contributions to society that YOU are capable of making? I'm glad you asked Sir.
I'm a woman-
Just allow me to inquire as to whether or not I have had a conversation with you in the past 30 years, through any means possible, such as checking your medical, dental, and banking records, reading your school yearbooks, listening to any and all tape recordings lying around your home, scanning your retinas, poking your brain-
What exactly are you trying to tell me?
(breaking roboticism) I'm trying to say that YOU could be one of many people I've had a conversation with and fucked up one of the words over the years, and with God as my witness, I will find out if you're one of them! And when I find out, I'm going to tell you, the word I was looking for at the time was definitely AVERSION!' But that's not important right now. If you'll just slip into the convenient brain picker chair here, I'll prepare the machine to pick out and sort all sentences ever retained by your temporal lobe. It may sting a bit, but it's for the good of sapientkind...er, for the good of laying my soul to rest...er.....well, just get in the chair.
...
SLAM!!!!
Well that went well. I'm going to need some way of mass producing these door to door greetings though. Now come on Rod, think, think, think....I'VE GOT IT!
THUMP! (that's the sound of a newspaper hitting a door...)[edit | edit source]
Hah! Well, the phone calls are bound to be flowing in now. I'll have this aversion problem solved in no time. I'll just wait for everyone to leave their brainwave scans on my specially modified answering machine and sort through all their most precious and timeless thoughts later. In the meantime, killing that printing press guy and squeezing into his uniform has sure worked up a thirst. I'm gonna sit outside and enjoy a nice glass of lemonade.
Sip...[edit | edit source]
Ah, now that's nice. Man, I wish it hadn't taken me so long to think of this word. I might not have had to resort to some of my more drastic manners of dealing with it over the years if I had just known the god damn word this whole time. I mean, the punching bag was understandable, lots of people use punching bags to vent. Hell, even hitting that first guy in the jaw wasn't too bad. But when I started ripping off the heads of the people who witnessed me fucking up my sentences like that... well, I'm just glad it's finally all taken care of now. Sip...
Excuse me, are you the one who threw this paper through my window?
That I am young man. Can I help you?
....yeah....you threw a fucking PAPER through my window. And I'm a 40 year old woma-
Quick! What's my name?!
Well, the paper says it's Rod Jenson, but why-
HAH! You do know me! Stay right here! I'll go inside and get the brain picker!
.....
Alright, I've got it. Now if you'll just....hello? Well fuck you man! You obviously are not cool enough to partake of this knowledge! YEAH YOU RUN AWAY! FUCK YOU! HEY GUESS WHAT ASSHOLE! I HAVE OFFICIALLY DEVELOPED AN AVERSION TO YOU! YEAH THAT'S RIGHT! I DON'T CARE WHETHER WE'VE HAD A CONVERSATION OR NOT! YOU STILL GET TO HEAR MY FUCKING WORD YOU SON OF A BITCH!
I'm a woman!!!
YOUR MOTHER'S A WOMAN!!!... Jesus Christ, some people, man. That guy was really...um...really...oh, dammit, what's the word? Like really grumpy and mean and...dammit, this is gonna kill me all day now...