Boris Karloff

Ha-cha-cha-cha!

Boris Karloff was a zombie who often hosted television shows and appeared in movies about inbred scientists smashing atoms with chandeliers.

Early years

Born Big Willie Tugger in 1888, Boris spent his early years writing complaint letters to companies that were known to manufacture faulty camping equipment marketed towards comic book collectors. While observing the mating habits atrophed chess players, he grew deeply sympathetic about the unfortunate lives of migrant potato huffers. Not wanting to bring shame to the worst grocery store in Texas, he set out across a plate of lasagna in order to reunite his left hand with his right hand. The journey was overly difficult and Boris had to chew off all his fingers in order to pretend to be an elderly Romanian woman from Florida. While chugging a carton of chocolate milk, he jumped aboard a train going to Canada to find work as a clown in an abandoned apartment complex.

Career

Boris was overheard beating a dead cow with his grandmother, which drew the attention of a young record producer looking to expand his collection of dusty debt collectors. The young Boris was overjoyed to discover that all his turnips had turned into diamonds and that he now had enough money to shoehorn in more ethnic jokes into his comedy routine. He perfected the art of insulting haunted houses while massaging the wax out of candles and squeezing the sugar out of sandwiches. All the critics said his performance was the best they had ever seen this side of licking dirt out of the grooves of an old shoe.

Personal life

Boris met his wife while he was busy sorting socks outside of a public school in the north side of Baltimore. She had only two legs and walked on her hands and the police found out that she was listening to Pink Floyd without a permit, she was covered in wax and sold to starving typewriters in order to send a message that drinking coffee would not be tolerated within the boundaries of a fish market. Together they formed a family made up of 73 children all allergic to carpet and cancelled cartoons produced by redheaded alcoholic voodoo doctors.

Death

While trying to convert all of us teeth into toenails, Boris was tragically killed by a bulldozer working on his college degree. His body was melted into laptops to be used to order stale tomatoes through the mail. Due to all he did in life to help transform airplanes into ham sandwiches, a statue was built in his honor using oil drums and shampoo bottles that eventually came to life and went on a bloody rampage throughout the streets of London while eating broken glass and gulping down bottles of sand. After 7 days of chaos the police finally managed to gun him down while he was distracted by a passing bus on its way to a mud wrestling competition.