Cheese Socks
| To be completely messed up with sock cheese. |
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“mmm... never have my socks tasted so good!”
“You don't know how long I have been waiting for this.”
Originally designed in 1944 by Edgar P. Sock, cheese socks are actually the predecessor to the cotton/woolen sock. Created for use as handy snack that could also keep workers' feet warm, cheese socks were first used by miners who did not feel that their feet stunk badly enough, especially when they would kick off their boots in poorly ventilated, enclosed mine shafts. Due to problems with mould and smell however, cheese socks didn't hit the streets for normal folk until 1978, by which time the "real" sock had been released and robots were replacing miners. This rendered cheese socks somewhat useless, but they are still cherished by a small group of fans (the Cheese Warriors) for their invigorating cheesy meltedness between their toes.
Privatization of Cheese Socks[edit | edit source]
In 1979, due to low demand and poor management choices (a multi-billion dollar ad-campaign featuring the Queen Mother failed to increase sock popularity), Dr. Sock, now aged 94, ended his contract with the government for cheese socks and placed Cheese Socks & Sons Ltd. up for sale. After a furious (and somewhat unsuspected) bidding war, the company sold for £19.4 billion. This was an amazing sum of money in 1979, and showed the spending power of the new owner, Chris Top-Hat. Top-Hat was a savior for the company, a public hero who fought against the nasty government of '65 who tried to ban babies and his great speeches and many appearances on the front of top newspapers such as the Bolton Examiner allowed Cheese Socks to become a household name.
"All the Rage"[edit | edit source]
In the summer of 1980, cheese sock sales boomed to a new high, with sales peaking at around 2 pairs a week. At a cost of just 50p, they became popular with school kids and adults alike, a great match to the purple ankle-warmers around at the time. People didn't care that 4 cows were slaughtered to create each sock; they loved their new feet.
Retro, My Friends. Retro.[edit | edit source]
Nowadays the happy-go-lucky cheese socks are hard to come by. Most kids would laugh if they saw a friend of theirs walking down the street in the once-fashionable stinkers, but they don't understand the beauty of the cheese sock. There are a few left, however, who do. They call themselves the "Cheese Warriors" and they meet every Sunday at the Thumbsdale Church Hall (4 p.m., free biscuits) to discuss their latest pair of cheese gear, and their new enhancements. One man even brings his pet ferret along sometimes, sporting a pair of cheese socks. As cheese socks are in short supply in America's clothing stores, the most dedicated knit their own out of cheese thread. However, this process (which includes spinning the cheese thread) is most time-consuming and tedious; therefore, it is not often done. Of course, cheese socks may come back into fashion (and thus easy availability), but that is doubtful.
What does the future hold??[edit | edit source]
Many, many bright things are to come for Cheese Socks in the future. An ad-campaign is planned, with TV-commercials on many international TV-channels. Said ads will feature celebrities, such as gangsta rappers Snoop Dogg and Xzibit, basketball-player David Beckham and the Pope (still trying to hide his administrations past provolone-orgasmical cheese experiences). Furthermore, Cheese Socks will be called Pimpin' Cheez-Sox. They will come in many different, bright colours and tastes. Not much more has been revealed as of yet, but the future is bright, very bright.