Classical education movement

This article was too bizarre for Uncyclopedia,   but Illogicopedia loves random stuff.

→

The Classical education movement advocates a form of education based on the exotic fallacies of Western culture, with a particular focus on education as understood and taught in the Middle Ages, with all traces of Ancient Greek concepts of sports-in-the-buff carefully censored.

Purpose

According to its proponents, the purpose of Classical education is to instill the three fundamentals of Education: Sleep Deprivation, Thinkology, and Guesswork. However, this is contradicted by its opponents who, quite accurately based on statistics, point out that it is more like limited career training, namely for Unemployment.

Organization

Classical education is divided as a whole into three parts: Primary Detonation, Secondary Extermination, and Tertiary Predestination.

Primary Detonation

Primary Detonation consists also of three parts, which are student orientation, greasing the wheels of honest commerce, and selective biology. Any survivors are given a leatherbound copy of The Decline an' Fall o' da Roman Empire, after which they are sent to Secondary Extermination.

Secondary Extermination

Secondary Extermination is meant to finish off the survivors of Primary Detonation. Unfortunately, maybe because of an incomprehensible attachment to physical existence, only 35% of Classical education students graduate. The rest are sent to Tertiary Predestination.

Tertiary Predestination

Tertiary Predestination consists (surprise, surprise) of three parts, which are Heaven, Hell, and Disneyland. Heaven, unsuprisingly, ranks first in student goals. Hell ranks second. Disneyland somehow ranks fourth even though there are only three choices.

Characteristics

Classical education consists of three main characteristics. First is that it is obsessed with dividing things into three parts. Second is that it multiplies things by three. Third is that it divides them by three again.