Horoscope

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely

that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have

to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

~ "Weird Al" Yankovic, advocating horoscopes.

A Libra.

• Aries: You will be killed by death panels in Obamacare. The care was needed for some idiot who will actually use it.
• Taurus: You will eat tuna today and explode. And Uncyc will huff you for the fun of it. You will wake up and do stuff.
• Gemini: You will die off and your body will be used to feed someone who decides to become a cannibal and vulture. In heaven, Michael Jackson will greet you. And you must do it yesterday.
• Cancer: Isn't it obvious? Due to your horoscope name, you will get throat cancer. And you'll die after being beaten up by Megan Fox and Jimmy Carter.
• Leo: Well, you are owned by a can of chicken noodle soup. The garbage pit will eat you and then you will then get fat.
• Virgo: The stars point that you will find true love when you go down to McDonald's today and you and your partner will live happily ever after. But, you must also realize they're lying. Expect a bomb from George Bush discovered in Iraq.
• Libra: Now, the stars predict that you will taste like chicken and get killed by Joseph Stalin. Also, expect some more crap from AOL.
• Scorpio: Now is not the time for dancing in your living room to Sesame Street or you will get killed by the Mafia. Meh.
• Sagittarius: All Sagittarius are amazing people, except for you, you idiot. Now, go and cry in your room about that F on your math test.
• Capricorn: Jump off the Golden Gate Bridge and then reincarnate yourself. You will be a cow. Then eat grass.
• Aquarius: Sorry, you're too pathetic for a horoscope. Get fat by eating celery.
• Pisces: Blah Clinton will use you as a pitfall for a perjury trial. Ernest Glob will eat you.
• Ophiuchus: You will get a new duck. Please fark off!
• Fnurdle: You will get some more lard for breakfast. Enjoy and wait for the guy across the street to blow up your house.
• Flamalobaclimablemabobber: You are strange and will experience baldness soon. Meh, who cares?