Illogicopedia's official position on Turtles

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“It ain't mine, babe!”

~ Bob Dylan on The Turtles
Try as he might, Angus Brevity could not successfully breed one proper turtle. Look at this poor man with the broken heart... pitiful.

Turtle bacon must be crisped on an electric griddle only on obscure Tuesdays, according to Nooniepuubunnie. That notwithstanding, Turtles are considered sacred to Illogicopedians during allotted seasons of random length, each to be decided by a person in the household who is not considered "head of household" for purposes of filing North Dakota state income tax.

When Frunobulax occurs for days on end, many people get frustrated, then bored. This leads inextricably to lusting after a Harley Davidson Sportster, hair and beard growth (in the male), beer consumption, posturing and hurling shit at one another, like a monkey... like a monkey. By smuggling themselves across the border in their own heads, jazz began to catch on with the hip crowd. Most of them started with a little Coltrane, or Miles, something from "Bitch's Brew", or maybe Dizzy Gillespie. As time went on, so did the probability of the improbable increase in probability.[1] Do not confuse this with entropy or Twinkies.

The Turtle Envelope[edit]

When DARPA got involved, the envelope began to be pushed. Almost imperceptible at first, the envelope moved, seemingly of it's own volition. Then the cloaking device began to fail, and you could just make out the outline of a giant hand. The situation resembled the scene in the movie "Inception", where the city folded up on itself.

Then it hit me... the concept of pushing the envelope... huh? Does that make the beachgoers woozy? Or was that the beer and too much time in the sun? I can't shake this feeling of deja view, the stomach-churning sensation of plunging through the upper atmosphere of Venus, and the acidic air begins it's work on the rivets holding your vehicle together. Remind me not to use rivets anymore.

The last consideration would be antler maintenance. It could be managed by an outside contractor, but then we might get into another pissing contest with the doctors. They always say, "Take the blue pills, then the green pills, then some tequila-lime jello shots[2]", but I don't listen to them, no, I listen to ?pedia writers, especially that odd one.

See Also[edit]

  1. This may remind you, dear reader, of As Falls Wichita, So Falls Wichita Falls
  2. Lime because of the Vitamin D.