Magic is Sissy Bullshit

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“The article's right”

~ André Breton on this article
Yeah, I know you have a nice kitten. So?
Oh, wow. Yep, I sure can't SEE it.

Go ahead and read the title of this article. Yeah, I said it. Magic is Bullshit. Oh, you don't believe me? Well, I'll give you the facts. I'll prove that monkeys are red magic is your mom. Oops.

It's fake[edit | edit source]

Ok, let's take a look. Now there is some freak who admits to it. Yeah. And he is a freak, too. And all of the people that believe his stupid ass "magic" are total dipshits because it is really fake. Yeah, and this guy calls himself MindFreak. I mean, what kind of a freak does that? A freak who has eyeballs that aren't known whatsoever.

So let's see. The guy picks locks using his mind. Yeah. Believe it if you want, retard, we know there was a guy on the other side of the door who unlocks this lock and scrams when he opens it. Oh yeah. I'm right.

And how can certain people just be gifted and somehow do some weird shit that isn't possible? You see, those people aren't real. It's just fucking smoke and mirrors. Can't you see? I mean, some guy sticks his arm through some guy with a baggy shirt. We all know he just went through the side. I mean, how could you not notice it?

Stupid Idiot[edit | edit source]

How can someone with an IQ above 13 not see that all of these "tricks" and magic is a total scam? Some drunk retard came up with magic in a bar one night by holding up his beer bottle and saying "Now you see it" and then drank all of the beer and said "Now you don't" and everyone started laughing so bad that they decided to make some cheesy business out of it that turned out to make billions. We all know it.

If you still don't believe me you are an idiot. Just go to a magic shop and by some weird shit and it tells you that the thing is fake. You can't walk on water. And when you saw a box in half, you die. You split into two pieces and die of massive blood loss. I mean, face the facts. The only people who can believe the shit are kids. Kindergardeners. They are amazed when you throw something farther than they can. They believe than bread always lands the butter side down. Well you know what? They're wrong. They believe this shit because they are two years old.

How can a dude just have a car appear behind a curtain? He didn't, he had his best bud from high school drive it in for twenty bucks while the curtain was up. Go ask a magician their secrets and threaten to stab them and then they will tell you how they do it. Oh yeah.

Magic is like the force. I mean, if you throw Yoda onto a stage and tell him to do magic, he can't. Why? First of all, the "force" is a hoax, and second he is a computer animated puppet! I'm sure he can do wonderful magic if he isn't even there. Ok, how about Mark Hamil? He played Luke, so no doubt he could use the force. Wrong. Like I said before, the force is a total lie. I don' care what you think. Magic is fake. A lie. An optical illusion.

Listen to me![edit | edit source]

OK, this is the final straw. MAGIC IS FAKE. Let me spell it out M - A - G - I - C — I - S — F - A - K - E. The only real magic is that Houdini guy. And all he does is get out of a straight jacket. Like that's hard. See, that's real. But that’s not magic. Magic is having a dove appear in your hat. But we all know that the dove was stored in the bottom under something so it looks like there is nothing there. Until the Magician lifts it up and the bird flies away.

So face it, kid. Magic is fucking fake. You better believe me, or else I will strangle your cat with a watering hose and soak him in the tub and shove him into your pillow.