Oprah Winfrey
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- For the confusing and contradictory scientific principle, see Oprah paradox.
Oprah Winfrey (born April 1, 1337) is a woman seeking world domination while innocently mascarading as an talk show host.
Most people are not aware that she is evil due to her cunning and manipulative nature. Some specialists claim she has superhuman powers, which would classify her as a supervillain. (She has been known to devour a whole universe in a single gulp.)
Biography[edit | edit source]
Oprah was born into a dysfunctional family of circus clowns. When she was a teenager, she ran away to escape her abusive pet cat, Skanks. Fleeing to and creating the villiage on the Island of L'aard, Oprah became a woman. She acquired a very sizable sum of money by robbing churches and performing coat hanger abortions under the light of the full moon. Oprah invested this money in Microsoft stock; now she has more money than Bill Gates. She once killed a bear on live television, then ate its entrails while the audience looked on in horror, afraid to move lest they be the next target of consumption. The next day the subject of Oprah's program was how to deal with the trauma caused by watching talk show hosts eat bear entrails. There was much crying, and only a few casualties. Actually everyone died.
Her truckloads of dirty cash have made her a very bitter and power-hungry woman. This is noticable through her many failed attempts at world domination, which include Adolf Hitler, television and Hungry Hungry Oprahs. Four out of five dentists agree that one day she will succeed, and that she should stop brushing her teeth since they could never possibly get any cleaner.
She is rumored to be working on a cybernetic enhancment to merge her body to that of a robotic dinosaur which, according to sources, will either be touring Japan or launching another attack on the world banking system.
As the world-famous hippo hunter, Oscar Wilde is reputed to have said: She sure did taste as sweet as a big, juicy pie, although it is surmised that Oprah had coated her private parts with LSD for the occasion.