Peter Jackson

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Hi Fran! Get me some chips! And a six-pack of beer. And some ElfLeaf. And my Dr. Scholls sandals. And some Prep H.

Sir Peter Frampton "Comes Alive" Roberto Michael Randy Tito Jackson, ONZ, KNZM, ZZZ, BURP, PHWEE, (born 31 October 1961), is a New Zealand film director, producer, script pimp, beerswiller, ElfLeaf smoker, and actor wannabe (via Hitchcockian cameos in his own schlock productions), well known for his The Lord of the Rings film trilogy and its prequel The Hobbit film trilogy, loosely based on the novels of the same name by J. R. R. Tolkien.

Like horror-comedy-guru-turned-blockbuster-director Sam Raimi, Petey-J won grudging acceptance with his cheesey, "splatstick" horror comedies like Bad Taste (1987) before coming to mainstream prominence with bigger budget projects. While improving only marginally as a director, his world-class job bidding skills allowed him to undercut much more accomplished and talented competitors. "I owe it all to Bob Barker and The Price is Right," says Jackson. "It's was an education in manipulation."

In addition to his many NAMBLA awards, Jackpete has been awarded three Academy Awards in his career, including the award for Best Director. He also won the BAFTA, Golden Globe and Saturn Award for Best Direction, and shares an Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay nomination with his live-in snugglebunny Fran Walsh and dominatrix-for-hire Philippa Boyens.

J-Chub's films also include Meet the Wiggles (1989), King Kong Bundy (2005), and The Lovely, Boned (2009).

When asked why he artificially inflated The Hobbit from a small, thin novel to an epic 3-movie megafeature P-man merely replied, "Duh?" In Directorspeak this means that his motivation lies in the proud, long laid tradition of his cinematic forebearers: the deep desire to cash in on previous success and fill his pockets with extra gobs of cash—from ticket sales, bonuses, licensing and marketing—possibly by creating an inferior product in the process, but possibly not? Who can tell anymore? Yes-men abound. And what does it matter anyway? You bought a ticket for that last one, and you'll buy one for the others, too, chump.

Using ideas from lifted Tolkien's published endnotes, unfinished works, napkin scribblings, late-night pillow-talk with Ms. Tolkien, lame suggestions from failed "writer" Christopher Tolkien, and Fran's drunken ramblings, The Hobbit was expanded tenfold to include new scenes of exploding haystacks, high speed warg chases, and inter-species homoerotic intrigue.

Jak-Splat was knighted (as a Knight Companion of the Loyal Order of New Zealand Kin-niggits, Order of Merit) by Sir Anand Satyanand, some government figurehead that most of the developed world could care less about. What's really important to know is, did he get a sword and armour, too? If not, what's the use in being a knight anyway?

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