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So you have to wake up to the sound of a flying dinosaur screeching. Seeing how this is the 21st century, I don't know how the fuck that's possible, but live with it. You have to go to your dream job - an air breather. Some dipshit guy named Santa Claus who lives in Alaska or something came up with the job. It paid good, but you got a lot of stubbed toes and wrinkles on your forehead. Don't ask me why.

So what you do is pull your shorts over your head and your shirt up or legs, put your mittens on your feet and shoes on your hands, jump into your Pinto with a cup of warm milk, and speed out of your driveway.

Work is normal[edit | edit source]

Because you sit there and breathe. The air is unusually thick and moist today... maybe it's that rotting antelope carcass over in the corner. OMG a Burning Dog! Holy Shit! Lucky for you the Burger King comes in just in time with a bag of gorilla feces and throws it into a different room so the dog chases after it to eat it but explodes first. Luckily, it was after it left the room you were in so the room is filled with smoke and Helium. You get totally high and drunk off of suede shoes.

So once you get your pay check you drive home and ope the door. You don't smell dinner. The TV isn't on. your daughter is having sex with her boyfriend. Something is wrong.

You see a note[edit | edit source]

It reads:

Jimmy Watson, wee have taken your family as hostages. They are being held in a room without TV or internet. If you want them to survive, send us 23¢ by mail to our address on the back of the page. Don't think we will even let them see a TV!

OK, this is outrageous. Of course, you had just come home with your paycheck, but it wasn't enough to pay. That was a lot of money. And who the Fuck is Jimmy Watson? Oh yeah, that's you.

What are you going to do? I mean, you can't have dinner without the wife, and you can't find free pron anywhere. That is what your daughter was for. And well, you could live without the son. He was useful for one thing: Taking out the trash. Shit! You could't live without them. You had to do something, and quick.

You get some gear[edit | edit source]

What did you manage? Two pairs of sneakers, a snicker bar, your daughters thong, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. That would be nice. So where do you go? the Local whorehouse? Hm, that sounds good. But wait! You have a family to save.

Fuck them[edit | edit source]

Screw revenge. I mean, do you really need payback from these guys from taking your family by taking them back? Fuck no, man. So you hop in your Pinto and head to the nearest strip club and get yourself a cheap fuck. Oh yeah.