Subservient Chicken

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Gen. Poultrzy Obsequinsky, the Subservient Chicken. Quote: "Buuk buuuk buuuk!"

The Subservient Chicken (born in Chernobyl, 1872) was a Russian general by the name of Poultrzy Obsequinsky. He served as Director of the Special Counter-Terrorist Task Force at Novgorod's esteemed Kindergarten Number Four before serving as Special Advisor to the Chief Math Teacher at Minsk Elementary.

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He was also internationally renowned as a maker of deluxe wooden shovels with little duckies painted on them, in addition to being renowned for his ability to find and eat tiny little seeds.


Throughout his seventy-odd years of distinguished military service, Obsequinsky was responsible for the ousting of at least forty-eight nasty bullies, the uprooting of seventeen independent lunch-money racketeering rings, and dozens of cootie outbreak quarantines. In some parts of Russia, he is revered as a saint; in the former facilities of Minsk's Bureau of Health, Education and Boobies, a statue depicting him holding one of his famous duckie shovels stands in the middle of the abandoned mess hall, the inscription on the placard reading "You will not be forgotten, rest in peace. Buuuk buuuk buuuk!"

While it is unclear whether the placard has been tampered with since the statue's erection, Obsequinsky's surviving relatives have consistently maintained that Igor Stravinsky, a bully sentenced to several successive detentions by the general in 1925 for multiple counts of wedgying and name-calling, has made adjustments to it "in order to paint our dear Poultry in a negative light."

In his 1959 autobiography "Chicken This, You Scandalous Freaks", Obsequinsky revealed that over an eleven-year period, he himself was the victim of a fierce sugar addiction, a habit he kept safe from political enemies by sneaking into the maintenance shed between second and third period to do sugar and listen to Chet Baker. The scandal made waves in local papers for minutes and threatened to become a matter of county-wide consequence until he charged newspaper reporters, brandishing his feet-spurs. The incident was defused when a quick thinking reporter threw dried corn on the ground, distracting the irate Obsequinsky.

In 1968, General Obsequinsky suddenly disappeared from a fundraiser held in his name for the ravaged families of the victims of the Great Noogie of 1967. (It is believed he was defeated by Colonel Sanders in Vietnam, although he escaped detainment.) Upon sorting through his personal belongings, his family found recorded material of questionable purpose, depicting the General in a giant chicken costume performing all manner of basic physical movements, among which included scratching up the newly sodded lawn for grubs. This material is later believed to have been appropriated by the People's Commonwealth of Burgonia as their national dance. (Left foot scratch backwards once, two scratches back with the right, followed by a half-a-step backward scratch with the left again. Bend over and examine the scratching for seeds and/or insects)

General Obsequinsky had an avowed dislike for carrots and a distinct predilection towards Korean cinema. He never once had cooties, though upon spotting them he was inclined to peck them up while making a "look look look!" clucking sound.

Obsenquinsky reappeared in America as a construction worker who mysteriously got rabies. He later died after a wolf bit his head off. The body was preserved and they later surgicaly grafted Medusa's severed head onto it. It proceeded to eat George Wendt.