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- Here is a tale of a 100 year old vampire in an 18 year old's body. It is totally not gay and has no one named Edward who act like pedophiles but somehow seduce women.
Fredward sat at the table. His eyes glowed a goldish color that was obviously just cheap contacts. He glared at this girl named Smella. She smelt so bad that very regularly the classrooms she was in had to be fumigated. Fredward was oddly attracted to this heap of stench. He as a vampire never actually needed to breathe, and just did for shits and giggles could go near her safely.
Fredward approached the over sized amoeba of a person and simply said, "Are you an angel? Because you smell like shit."
Smella turned around and snorted, pushed her glasses up and farted, "Thank you," she said.
"You're welcome," Fredward replied.
He scrambled to start a conversation she'd be interested in, "Um... I heard Wal-Mart's having a sale on adult diapers."
She smiled, "Thanks for the tip. I'm starting to grow out of my Pampers."
He tried to change the subject, "So... Do you like vampire sex?"
Her expression changed, "Are you flirting with me?"
He was puzzled, "Am I?" he thought. He decided he was.
"Yes I am flirting with you," he said romantically.
He heard a noise come from her pants. She got embarrassed, "I'm sorry. I poop when I'm excited."
Fredward smiled, "It's okay. I once killed a guy." After the words left his mouth he realized how unrelated it was.
Smella suggested something for them to do, "Let's go to the forest so I can find out you're a vampire!"
Fredward was down with it, "Okay. Let's go!"
They reached the forest and the sun was shining bright. They stood under a tree as Fredward started to light up.
Smella was repulsed, "I knew you were a vampire but I didn't know you glowed like a little bitch."
Fredward felt sad, "I'm sorry. It's a symptom of my disease. It was 88 years ago. I was walking down the street and wa-thwack! I got bitten. I know, it was ridiculously boring. I do wish there was more of a story than that. So... How did you start to smell so bad.
Smella looked up slightly, "Well... It started when I was three and my parents decided to 'fight the power' and not potty train me. They destroyed our bathroom in rage when the preschool teacher told them I needed to be potty trained. When they destroyed it; they also destroyed the shower. It also took out all of our trash supplies. After my parents' lost their jobs; we used the trash we collected as furniture, knick knacks, even food. I have some food if you want some."
Fredward gazed a stare at her, "No. I can only drink blood. And I'm hungry... Can I take yours?"
Smella was apprehensive, "Will- will that turn me into a vampire?"
Fredward looked away, "No. Not unless I want you to. If I ever do it won't be now. We need to procreate first."
Smella replied, "Baby making is my specialty."
Fredward was a bit taken aback, "I'm not going to question it but for some reason I doubt that. I mean... You smell... so... bad!"
Smella smiled, "Thanks for the compliment."
Fredward groaned, "Just let me drink your blood."
Fredward approached her with the coldest essence. He sank his teeth into her skin. He started to drink and realized it tasted like shit. He backed away.
Fredward spit out the blood, "When you said you eat your trash; does that mean you eat your diapers?"
Smella gave him a look, "Umm... Yeah. My blood is only 2% hemoglobin and all of that other normal blood stuff. The rest is a mix of motor oil, grease, and Justin Bieber's puberty."
Fredward tilted his head, "So that's where it went. Nevermind." He quickly turned around and saw a wolf, "What the fu--?"
He was pummeled to the ground by the werewolf Gaycob.
Gaycob turned back into a wolf and looked at Smella, "Hey Smella."
Smella waved, "You came to marry me didn't you?"
Gaycob was disgusted "No. I'm here for Fredward. You have a vagina. At least I think you do somewhere in that mound of feces you call pants. My name is Gaycob after all. Gay-cob. I'm gay."
Just then a random hobo threw a can of Coors Light at Gaycob's face.
He fell to the ground instantaneously.
Fredward got up and dusted himself off, "The Silver Bullet. Only way to kill a werewolf. Thanks former CEO of Chevrolet!"
The hobo waved, "Don't mention it!"
Fredward got on one knee, "Will you marry me?"
Smella was overcome with joy, "Yes! Yes!"
Fredward looked at Smella, "It's time to make you impregnated."
- Since the author did not want to go into detail about their elaborate and absolutely horrifying sex scene and the nine months of pregnancy that followed, he omitted the section.
Smella looked down at her newborn, "It's a boy!"
Fredward looked at his baby, "No it's a girl... Shit; it's a hermaphrodite."
Just then the nurse walked in, "So Msr. and Mrs. Fredward Curtis; what do you want to name your new baby."
Fredward looked at Smella and said, "Jaimie Lee."
The nurse looked at the baby's multiple genitalia, "That's gonna be a problem. Want me to take care of that?"
They both nodded. The nurse took out and cleaver and chopped the penis right off of the baby.
The nurse handed Fredward the amputated penis, "Here's a souvenir."
Fredward looked at Smella, "It's time to make you a vampire."
He leaned in and bit her.
Her stench went away suddenly and her appearance changed.
Her face was still ugly even though becoming a vampire returned her to how she would of looked without her pitiful hygiene.
Fredward walked away, "Fuck. I thought you'd be hot as a vampire. This is almost as bad as the time I ended up on How to Catch a Predator. That was messed up. By Smella. I'm gonna go seduce the high school skank. See you when you decide to come after child support."
Smella called to Fredward one last question, "Can I eat the baby?"
Fredward poked his head back into the room, "Yeah. It tastes good with horseradish. Oh and I'm going on a McDonald's run; you want anything?"
Smella replied, "Yeah, could I get a double quarter pounder with cheese?"
Fredward mumbled, "And you couldn't get something off of the dollar menu... Sheesh. I'm not made of money."
Smella got antsy, "C'mon; while we're young!"
Fredward shouted at her, "We'll always be young! Jesus Christ; I could have a more intelligent conversation with a 2 by 4."
Fredward turned around to see a rectangular piece of wood behind him, "Hey 2 by 4; I was just talkin' about you. You hear about Pluto? Messed up; right? You want anything at McDonald's? Just a parfait? That's cool. See ya later 2 by fo'." He turned to Smella, "See?"
Fredward walked away and the 2 by 4 looked at Smella, "He never gives me a chance to talk, ya know? God.. I never get through to him."