Silent Penguin's Bogus Journey
|Note: This article isn't Jesus. Jesus is Jesus. Hesus isn't Jesus, he just sucks - he got kicked off of the JeeBus for sinning|
An Illogicopedian themed romp (Not in the sexual sense! Aww now you're gonna to stop reading this hearticle just because you think it's literary porn. Curses.)
Taking a quick break from his tedious duties as an uranium enriched superheron Seppy caught the super-bus (just like a normal bus but with exterior underwear) back to his castle to watch the game whilst having a Bud. True. His watchingsness of the game was somewhat interrupted when Buddha flew into Seppy's flat on the back of a magic lilly pad (not a padded lilly - t'was uncomfortable for the Big B), promptly raiding Seppy's fridge and changing the TV channel to something that wasn't Das PussyVator! Refusing to gaze upon the inferior quality CBOOBies Seppy became violently violet and vowed to take a violin to Buddha's face. Psyching himself up considerably by beating up the mirror (which now resembles a glassy pulp in need of childline) Seppy packed some sandwiches and left his mansion in search of revenge. (Revenge of course was hiding behind a nearby bus stop with Empathy and some recreational drugs, but Seppy didn't know this).
Hikers Guide to the Galaxy in the Plan
Almost as soon as he reached the end of his driveway Seppy was besieged by a group of children who were feeling rebellious and were thus talking to strangers (against their parents wishes; Oh No No my Baby!). Superior to their plans Seppy did NOT in fact offer them candy, and instead roundhouse kicked the lot of them. To the face. Unfortunately for him a nearby round house kicked a larger group of rosy cheekier children at him against whom Seppy's flippers would only cause
minor bruising massive internal damage leading to numerous law suits and en suite laws.
The kids tugged at his shirt and pleaded for the Sepmeister to teach them something. Seppy explained he couldn't possibly teach them because Barney's dead. Seppy swiftly elaborated on the relevance of this to the situation at hand through a song sung to the tune of "I love you, you love me
We stuffed Barney up a tree. We shot his face with nails and lead, sorry Children Barney's dead". By the end of the song Seppy was clutching a BAFTA and all the children were crying.
With a satisfied smile on his face Seppy quickly capitalized on the distracted children (you capitalist pig) to fly away. Midflight he remembered that Penguins are not flies and therefore do not pocess the necessary legal criteria in order to fly. Time (which is a fly) momentarily stopped flying to watch in mild amusement, with one of it's eyes kept firmly on Das PussyVator, as SP
unflied fell to his death.
Grim Dim Reaper (He's not too bright)
Upon reaching the Reaper's
basement lair Seppy quickly explained that due to the unintentional intended use of the word "death" twice in quick succession in the above paragraph that he was technically alive. The Reaper wasn't actually paying attention so Seppy took advantage of this tecknomachality (do the robot!) to come back to life as the UberPenguin Silencer, who has a really manly and commanding baritone voice
Aww You guys missed it. (Well you missed the toilet too, but I'm talking about Seppy's amazing man voice. Oh never mind! By the way you might want to clean that mess up before mum gets home.)
Of course no one was around to hear his amazing voice and check out his manly abs so he got bored of using his newfound speechial powers and deformed back into
a rabid one-legged foetus with lockjaw not even worthy of being a minor Marvel Comic book baddie a Leet admin penguin with no audible voice. (Like the one in Toy Story 2 but without the restrictions of being rated PG).
And Now For A Break
Contrary to the matter at hand... is some handy antimatter! Hands matters a great deal but as a matter of fact are really unhelpful and won't ever lend you a hand when it matters. Not that it matters of course. Hands down, these are the facts of the matter, even though this doesn't matter half as much as the scientific matter on the hands of a matter, -dor (matador!) What's the matter? Need a hand?
The Triumphant Entry into
Jerusalem Jerusalem (Illogicopedia)
Upon his return
of Legally Blonde 2 to Blockbusters in front of a large, disbelieving and severely disapointed audience to Illogicopedia he found the site had become nothing more than a burning heap of rubble; AAAAH was sitting nearby holding a matchbox and laughing sinisterly like a little girl. The admin's corpses were collectively huddled around a single burning cookie accumulator. Each of them were holding onto some playing cards around the burned remains of a table in what looked like a poker game. In his frantic dispear SP took it upon himself to bear a burden for his dead comrades by checking everyone's hands and pocketing the winnings. In his delight sorrow at his newfound fortune he doctored submitted the wills of the deceased IllogiKnights in order to vastly increase his vault in Gringotts to the point where one of the goblins had a seizure whilst polishing (Polish polishing technique from Poland) his stacks of galleons and accidentally lock itself in the vault. The goblin was never seen again but like most fantasy characters his molested corpse will eventually turn up on Fourchan.
“But you know it's not all about wealth,
just so long as you have enough to Express Yourself”
The Titles in this article are all large, underlined and stolen directly from the Bible (Don't even get me started on "See Also"!!!)
More than luckily, Testostereich is a Christian and got himself, his friends, Jesus and any quality once found in the porn industry resurrected. With the added throw-in of a thrown in
towel trip to a brothel (free refills included!)
Sadly the coupon for the trip had expired some time previously which led to an embarrassing predicament in Amsterdam and ultimately Armageddon with the armies of God facing off against the armies of Illogicopedia. And the armageddonagedon until one armygotowned and Seppy and all his little witch and wizard friends went straight down to hell for practising World of Warcraft.
Eventually events tallied eventfully and the fallen Illogia took advantage of a drunken Satan by pressuring him to lead them around the eternal darkness in a giant conga line. In the gloom they didn't see where they were going and stumbled into a precariously balanced cup of water which wobbled and tipped over, knocking them into some lava. They proceeded to die(again?) before becoming briefly reincarnated as ducks on Jupiter. As you'd expect they all suffocated (except for Testostereich who was used to space conditions, but he opted out of living on the grounds of "fitting in".)
Luckily for the now limbless and exhausted heroes/heroines/herons/heroine addicts they were reincarnated back to earth inside Buddha's made you look multi-million dollar apartment. Using their many limbs they repeatedly slapped his belly and ears until his inner-peace was broken and he resembled an enraged red swollen riled-eligious dictator. At which point he was mown down by some CENSORED metal petals and obscure loud greetings said and said in reverse, right? Right! Right? Right, said Fred?
If Seppy is reading by this point he'll either be rolling around in his chair with laughter or readjusting the zoom on his sniper rifle.
At this point Seppy awoke in a cold sweat and realised everything wasn't in fact a dream. The police were surrounding his house and demanding that he share his recently stocked fridge with them. Seppy yelled silently at them and began throwing previously unseen vandal skulls at them. They got the message. Via text.
I'de sure like to meet this "Also" fella, he could marry ma prize daughter like!
No. look, just see the link below. The term "See Also" is used in many articles by authors without any imagination to directly link in other articles. So, See Also.