Bird

This is what happens when you dispose of cigarettes improperly. They go for 'twos'.

The Bird (or Feathered Bat) is an ancient species originating from the town of Bacon Smell. The uses of bird carcass include Chicken butt, a common children's treat, Duck tape, an adhesive tape used to connect groups of ducks together and KFC, a finger-licking service.

Birds vary in happiness, liveliness, loveliness and ability to fly. It is often said of birds that they are "Organisms with the freedom to fly, but the sense to land. All except for penguins." The same can be said of people, however, it usually isn't because people aren't birds and we are confined to the ground and to our societies.

The Philosophy of Birds

These (in somebody's opinion) beautiful creatures are extremely profound and concerned with meaning.

Instruction manual

Please use this guide to determine whether or not the animal you are dealing with is a genuine copy of a Bird™.

Wings

This is a 'wing'. It should come enclosed with a sachet of barbecue sauce. All Birds™ have two feathered limbs at the sides - check yours again - is it right? If the wings are located around the facial area, you may be dealing with a counterfeit Bird™. If this is the case, set the creature on fire and dispose of immediately.

Legs

Legs should be attached to the body using PVA glue and/or discarded chewing gum. If it does not have these items, use a bobby pin to try and pin the legs on. If that doesn't work, try the method of disposal discussed on the topic labeled "Wings".

Beak

The 'beak' should be pointed. If the creature you are dealing with has a mouth and teeth, you may in fact be handling a small child. I'd recommend you stop, that's kinda illegal.

Birds in popular culture

In a particularly noteworthy episode of Friends, Chandler begins to slowly morph into a goose, to the dismay of his flatmates and family. The experience becomes immensely traumatising for the character, as limbs and organs fall of his body and are replaced by disformed bird features. Family Guy also did a high-brow skit in which a bird begins to call out catchphrases from 1980's commercials.

See also

• Chicken
• Turkey
• Duck
• I PLAY CHICKEN WITH THE TRAIN TRAIN CHICKEN WITH THE TRAIN TRAIN
• Bird Flu

Poisonous Birds

BIRD...