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Your typical cat. LAZORS! PEW PEW!

“Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow. Meow-meow. HISS! MEOW! ROW! ROOOW!”

~ Dog

Upsides of a cat[edit | edit source]

Cats are household pets, often used for the cleaning of gardens because cats love to eat cacti. Generally spanning from 125 to 200 feet tall and 200 to 300 feet long from tail to nose, cats are very useful creatures. For example, if you compete in a pickle-growing contest, one can order the cat to fire its dread eye beams upon your enemy's plants, destroying them and leaving nothing but a scenic smoking crater. As cats are radioactive creatures, they are immune to everything, and can therefore be used as shields. When used in battle, cats can decimate entire fleets. If a nuclear explosion is to occur, it's a widely-known fact that only cats will survive. Add to that the fact that the cat CAUSED the nuclear explosion in the first place and you have one evil creature. That is, of course, if it ate a nuke by mistake.

Downsides of a cat[edit | edit source]

However, taking care of a cat is somewhat cumbersome, due in part to the fact that their litterboxes must easily be the size of a house and radiation-proof, lest the entire neighborhood becomes a radioactive wasteland. It is also a pain to clean the litterbox or take the cat for a walk, which often destroys the city. In addition, a cat's meow has been known to create sonic booms capable of destroying an entire office building. Finally, feeding a cat is the easiest part, as they can gather enough nutrition for the day from half or so of an ocean and about 20,000 humans. Keeping them entertained is easily the most difficult part of keeping one as a pet. If they get bored, they will most likely stomp on unsuspecting bananas, which is a "Hitler" on an evilness scale of 1 to 10, even if accidental. The only way of keeping them entertained without having them destroy anything is by shining floodlights in remote areas, which they will chase. However, if they catch one, they will become bored. So don't let them catch one.

Behavior[edit | edit source]

Under normal circumstances, cats will usually walk around. Although this may sound boring, with every step they take, they change color. This will magically destroy stars, make the economy of the country it lives in and break another country's economy at the same time (particularly Japan), and force Halley's Comet to have a baby every time it passes Earth. They also like to commence cellular reconstruction at random intervals that sound like a sort of deep, vibrating sound. It has been called, "purring."

Theory of nuclear cats[edit | edit source]

If a < b then a is a cat. If a > b then a is nuclear fuel. If a + n < b + n then a < b. If b + n is 1 then a + n is 0. A is then 1/2 because n is an imaginary number. Therefore this all hinges on the Riemann hypothesis. The Riemann hypothesis is unsolved, so the cat is in a superposition of cat and nuclear. It is a nuclear cat. The Riemann hypothesis also proves that elephants can be orange. So if there are orange elephants cats are not nuclear.

See also[edit | edit source]