Christians
- Not to be confused with Norwegians
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"Lions 1, Christians 0"
~ Scoreboard at the Colosseum
“There are few pleasures as great as watching Christians being eaten by lions, especially if that Christian is Mark Twain. What a dick.”
Christians are a type of lion food popular in Rome. They are essential for making sure the lions have the proper balance of vitamins and minerals in their diet. Lions in the wilde often suffer from a lack of Vitamin C, shorthand for Christians. and for this reason, both may soon reach the top of the endangered species list.
Popular Custom Blends[edit | edit source]
Besides the Christians put into various blends of Purina Lion Chow, there is Catholic Lion Chow, Southern Baptist Lion Chow (tastes like chicken!) and for those lions that are picky eaters, Mormon Lion Chow. Today, as in ancient times, wild dogs, bears, and wolves are loosed on Christians. Research by veternarians has borne out the theory that supplementing wild carnivore's diet with Christians is essential to good health and longevity. Some ingredients include:
- Catholics
- Roman Catholic
- Venetian Catholic
- Neapolitan Catholic
- Milanese Catholic
- Genoese Catholic
- Italian Catholic (non-denominational)
- Seventh Day Adventist
- Presbyterian
- Orthodox Christians
- Methodist
- Raelian
- Jews For Jesus
- Baptist
- Southern
- Reformed
- Revolving
- Old Time
- Conventional
- Christian Science
- United Church of Christ
- Moonies
- Lutherans
- Calvinists
There are also a number of less popular blends, composed of sinful Christians generally available, also called the Left Behind.
In Sports And Entertainment[edit | edit source]
Many Pagans and Atheists enjoy watching lions eat, so much so that they began crowding into zoos. For this reason, the Roman Empire built structures known as "colosseums" to accomodate the throngs of lion-enthusiasts. Weekends, invented by Julius Goober Prolapse in 12 AD, would fill these architectural behemoths to capacity with blood-thirsty citizens. After the chance encounter of an elephant and an unknown Christian in 17 AD, it was discovered that the beasts enjoyed stomping them to death with very little encouragement. This day marked the beginning of a whole new level of extreme sport.
In modern times this has evolved into a highly successful commercial venture, especially after becoming syndicated with sports and news networks in the liberal media conspiracy. The most popular show featuring lions eating Christians is the 700 Club Lions Club.
Such rivalry between Lions and Christians arose in 2005, when Narnian Lions decided they too wanted their own Messiah. After many casualties in both sides (due to bad digestions and being eaten, respectively), differences are now often settled in the Oxbridge annual boat race.
Lawsuits[edit | edit source]
Animal rights activists are suing Purina, makers of Lion Chow, for including a non-Christian ingredient, the DaVincii Code, in shipments bound overseas in an effort to cut costs. It turns out that lions will eat and tolerate some DaVincii Code, but proves fatal when eaten in a den. Lawyers on both sides call each other filthy names on a regular basis, just to keep in practice.
Rival Gaines, of Gaines Burger dog food fame, was indirectly involved with Christian consumption lawsuits when they introduced Shark Chow, made of only the finest cuts of litagator. The resulting shortage of legal professionals caused the Great Litigation Shortage in 1986.
Recalls[edit | edit source]
Makers of Lion Chow were forced to recall the Daniel blend. There seems to be no rational explanation for the fact that the lions simply refuse to eat it.