Marcus Crassus
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Marcus Crassus ?-50BC?, was a famed wolf farmer, general, and loser. Historical archives are extremely clear on when he was born, it was proven that he was born to 2 homosexual parents, of whom one of them had a sex change before being pregnant.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
As a boy, Crassus always had a battle with lemons. When he cuts one, or picks one up, lemon juice squirts out, blinding him momentarily. After several incidents with lemons, he traveled around the world to destroy every single lemon, but to no avail.
Little else his known about his early life.
Later Life[edit | edit source]
Following in his parents' footsteps, Crassus became a wolf farmer, raising wolves and selling them. But during the Great Wolf Market Crash in 70 BC, in which many wolf farmers had run out of bussiness. But Crassus hung on, hoping that the market will rebound from the crash. It did, but Crassus's wolf farm had died by then. But he was running out of money and was unemployed, and Crassus joined the Roman Army in an attempt to turn his fellow soldiers into wolves so that he could sell them. But he rose up in the ranks, rising from the rank of "grunt" to the rank of "private", then to "general".
During 60 BC, Crassus also joined Pompey and Julius Casear to form the First Triumverate. Their combined armies invaded Rome, ousted the Pope, and conquered America, Lithuania, and Iraq. Casear was given Lithuania, Pompey was given America, and Crassus was given Iraq.
Death[edit | edit source]
Sometime in 50 BC, Crassus had a dream. He dreamed of future president George W Bush, who told him to attack Iran because Iran was hosting ocean ecosystems and WMDs. Crassus woke up in a start, and organized a military expidition to Iran.
While in Iran, he ordered his soldiers to stamp on the roots of plants and dry up any sources of water. But, the plants fought back, and then Nature responded by creating massive earthquakes and volcanos in Iran. The lava from the volcanos melted the flesh of his soldiers, while the earthquakes tossed them all about. But, in the midst of battle, a plant root grabbed Crassus's leg, opened a hole that led into hell, and tossed him in. No one knows if Crassus died in hell or not, but some experts say that he couldn't have, since people can't die in hell, while others say that he's physically dead and his soul is wandering around in hell. But, a sufficient conclusion on his death has never been reached, so whether he died or not remains a mystery.