Stosef Jalin

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Stosef Jalin is a Russian alchemist, renowned for inventing Rank milk. He is not to be confused with Joseph Stalin.

Early Life[edit | edit source]

Stosef Jalin was born in 1907 on a cow farm in Ranzidzky, Russia. He helped on the dairy farm, initially aiming to continue the family tradition. He went to university in Moscow, where he quickly became obsessed with Rancid Milk, the dairy product that had been invented decades earlier by Shmao Zowdong.

The Rancid Milk Preservation Alliance[edit | edit source]

In 1929, Jalin founded the Rancid Milk Preservation Alliance (RMPA). This radical group aimed to preserve and distribute Rancid Milk (whose prices had been skyrocketing since the breakout of the Rancid Milk War) to all citizens of the world. They carried out terrorist bombings in support of the Shmaoists in the war, believing that Meesus Mice would destroy the milk. When Meesus Mice won the war, the group was almost completely destroyed. What remained of it decided to pursue a more peaceful existence and merge with the Dairy Product Association.

Invention of Rank Milk[edit | edit source]

After Rancid Milk was destroyed, Stosef Jalin made it his mission to make a cheaper and more accessible version of it. Working for years in a cramped laboratory, he finally discovered Rank milk in 1984. It took the world by storm, sparking riots and the formation of religious cults. Today, rank milk is the more used rotting dairy product, although some Rancid Milk purists remained, These purists had to buy the milk, at extortionate rates, from either West-East Virginia or San Marino. Rank Milk remains legal in most countries.

Late Life[edit | edit source]

Stosef Jalin retired at the turn of the century, satisfied with his work. He later donated much of his fortune to the D.P.A. He still keeps a copious amount of Rank milk in his garage, and a small amount of Rancid Milk (for special occasions). Jalin developed an interest in politics in old age, endorsing his seventeenth cousin thrice removed Vladimir Putin for the Russian presidency.

Personal Information[edit | edit source]

Jalin is the nephew of famous capitalist hater Joseph Stalin. He has three children (Rosef, Losef and Glebosef) from 4.5 marriages. He is currently single.