Rancid Milk

This is the rancid milk scale. It determines how rancid the milk is (the answer is "very")

Rancid Milk™, created by the world renowned Shmao Zowdong and his colleague, Meesus Mice, is an expertly crafted culinary and cultural masterpiece. In 1895, two scientists started experimenting on multiple dairy products such as cheese and milk. After almost 3 years of gruelling work, they finally made a breakthrough and in 1898, rancid milk was created. It took the public by storm and many people rushed to obtain it. The condition was so severe that a year later, in 1899, there was a national shortage of rancid milk. It was ripped of by Rank milk in 1984 to appeal to the younger generation and to fuel the nostalgia held by the older one.

History And Cultural Importance

The emblem for the D.P.A

Rancid Milk is considered to have the most intricate and long history of any kind of dairy product. It was, until its total obliteration, often used as a religious artifact in most cultures and was an important political figure in the San Marino election in 1917 where it went under the name of Alejandro Del Santiago and won an outstanding victory with 99.999% of votes (the only citizen who did not vote in its favour was an angry Spaniard called El Derrik The Destroyer). Rancid Milk used to be considered a delicacy in Western China where it was consumed during 5th dimensional chess tournaments. The taste is described by the Dairy Product Association (D.P.A) as “rancid”. It is also said to taste like Triceratops flesh, although this is unproven.

Safety Regulations

Rancid Milk has been the hot topic of debates for almost a century. Ever since its ban in 1903 and its later total obliteration, Rancid Milk has been illegal and almost impossible to obtain (unless authorized by Government Officials). If Rancid Milk is detected on any citizens, they are immediately deported to the Shmao Zowdong Gulag in North-South Norway. Here they shall take part in hard labour until their dying days (which is estimated to be approximately 2 weeks after arrival). Rancid Milk is banned in every country in the world except for West-East Virginia and San Marino where it is indulged in generously leading to high obesity rates and almost certain death for each and every citizen.

Rancid Milk Fair, Cleveland, Ohio

In 1923, in Cleveland, Ohio, obsession with Rancid Milk reached a boiling point. To combat this, the city government decided to hold a fair, selling Rancid Milk and Rancid Milk-themed items. Thousands of Rancid Milk enthusiasts from Europe descended upon the city to stock up, due to the recent legalisation of rancid milk as written in the Geneva Convention (more like Geneva Suggestion) and the banning of it in the EU in 1903 caused by reductions in life expectancy. The event was stormed by supporters of Meesus Mice, who were outraged by the conditions of the fair as Meesus Mice did not get a claim in the money raised. This angry mob caused the deaths of 2𝜋 rancid milk enthusiasts. This sparked the 6 year long Rancid Milk War, which led to the total obliteration of rancid milk in general and the deaths of millions of people.

The Rancid Milk War

Meesus Mice Vs Shmao Zowdong

Early Conflicts

The infamous Rancid Milk war began in late 1923 after the Cleveland Rancid Milk Fair was stormed by Meesus Mice supporters. This sparked the first conflict between the groups. Shmao Zowdong supporters, led by the great man himself attempted to make peace with the Meesus Mice faction, however, they were cut short when an angry Spaniard named El Derrik The Destroyer cannonballed through a soggy patch in the ceiling, instantly ending the lives of around half on the Shmao supporters. The general public took pity in Shmao's troops and therefore was funded by the Bcbkye and his many connections. Outraged by this, Meesus Mice concluded that the Shmaoists must meet their inevitable doom.

Battle Of Shmunguss Hill

On the 5th of May, 1924, after countless attempts for peace, Meesus launched the first offensive. A batallion of 150,000 armed soldiers stormed the Shmaoist encampment in North-South Dakota and began the battle. The Battle of Shmunguss Hill (as it was later dubbed) was one of the most brutal conflicts in history. No prisoners survived, all were gutted and hung on spikes instantly. Eventually a standstill occured when the great Shmungus Hill fell, providing cover for the remaining 30,052 Shmaoists to flee.

The Siege Of The Left Half Of Birmingham

The Shmaoists fled to Birmingham where they gathered resources and reinforcements. However, the Meesus supporters were never far behind and soon enough cornered the Shmaoists in the left half of Birmingham. And on the 24th of June, 1924, a stalemate was reached and for over 4 years they lay in wait at the walls of the left half of Birmingham, until, El Derrik The Destroyer came storming through Meesus' ranks complaining about the lack of hot water in room Nº5. This spread panic and confusion allowing the Shmaoists to launch their long awaited counter attack using an intricate system of flaming ropes, duct-tape and gasoline. Within a matter of hours, over 120,000 of the 145,000 were brutally massacred and the the Meesus supporters had to seek refuge in the sewers.

Battle Of The Birmingham Sewers

Tank that Meesus used in the Battle Of The Birmingham Sewers

Shmao Zowdong being completely chill in his final moments.

At this point, both armies knew that they either died a horrible yet heroic death or won a brutal and gruesome victory. There was no making peace now.
Each leader, commanding his armies of roughly 130,000 strong each, set out to wage war. On the 14th of April, 1929, after raising his armies and preparing for months the Shmaoists along with Shmao Zowdong himself carried out a surprise attack on the Birmingham Sewers. Although they had the element of surprise, the Meesus supporters knew the terrain well. The Shmaoists easily took out many battalions of Meesus' soldiers however the alarm was soon raised and the real battle began. Many survivors of that battle claim that it was the most horrific bloodbath they have ever witnessed.

I couldn't tell who was friend or foe....... *bzzzzt*.... DESTROY, DALEKS DESTROY....... *BZZZZWwwwwooopppp* ....shutting down.
-Stephen Hawking

The battle was going badly for Shmao Zowdong and he knew his end was near. He was attacked from the side by a small group of highly trained soldiers led by Meesus Mice. He was captured and beaten to death with glasses (the ones you drink from, not the ones you wear) as Meesus thought it would be a sad yet fitting and ironic end for him (see the record for The Most Glasses Balanced On One's Fingertips At Once). After this event, Meesus launched his contingency plan, the RMTOD (Rancid Milk Total Obliteration Device) that almost completely wiped rancid milk of the face of this planet. The remainder of the Rancid Milk was locked away in a vault in San Marino. Meesus still regrets bludgeoning his friend to death however he still stands by his statement;
"I needed the money"

The Rancid Milk Heist

After Meesus Mice ended the public use of Rancid Milk, many dairy product enthusiasts, and the D.P.A itself were displeased. Aided by an angry Spaniard named El Derrik The Destroyer who, despite his loathing of Rancid Milk, aimed to release Rancid Milk to the world once and for all, and distribute it to all people. They succeeded in breaking into the rancid milk vault in North-South Dakota, and stealing large amounts of Rancid Milk. However, they then were chased down by an army of nondescript rodents, and decided to store the stolen milk in two countries: West-East Virginia and San Marino. This is why those are the only two countries where Rancid Milk is legal today. This daring feat of bravery became known as the Rancid Milk Heist.

Additional Sources

Other Inferior Sites About Rancid Milk

Site Name	Link	Approves or Dissaproves
National Geographic	National Geographic Rancid Milk	Negative
Healthline	Healthline Rancid Milk	Positive
Livestrong	Livestrong Rancid Milk	Negative

CREDITS

Two British kids obsessed with dairy products past their expiry date and some random absolute GOAT named Fluffalizer.