Rank milk

Rank Milk is a culinary delicacy created by famous Russian alchemist Stosef Jalin. It is renowned for its rank taste and is definitely not a Communist rip-off of rancid milk.

History

Invention

Rank Milk was invented in 1984 by renowned Russian alchemist Stosef Jalin, who wanted to inspire a new love and respect for dairy products that are past their expiry date. In 1984, after years of work, he finally released Rank Milk into the world market. Like Rancid Milk before it, the product hit the world by storm, selling like hot cakes. Clashes erupted on the streets of major cities as people rushed to get their supplies of the milk before it was too late.

Clashes in Romania

In Romania, the milk was particularly popular and there were huge riots on the street when it ran out. In 1989, Stosef Jalin announced he would stop supplying the country with Rank Milk. The people were so angry that they overthrew the government and killed the president. In 2021, Rank Milk Inc. was bought by the Romanian Government

Copyright Lawsuits

In 1995, Meesus Mice sued Stosef Jalin, accusing him of violating the copyright of Rancid Milk. In a landmark case, Justice E. Diyot decided that, since Rancid Milk was banned in most countries, Rank Milk was not violating its copyright, and that Rank Milk is a completely different word.

The War Avoided

Rankled by his loss in court, Meesus Mice considered sending his army after Stosef Jalin and his company, but to his chagrin his rank and file had taken up the drinking of rank milk in the absence of rancid milk. As the full situation dawned on him, depression set in, only relieved by gorging on cheese.

San Marino Economic Crisis

The popularity of rank milk was quickly eroding Rancid Milk’s support. In San Marino, long an exporter of rancid milk, the emergence of rank milk created a full-blown economic crisis, leaving half of the country unemployed. It was only halted by the bold leadership of Alejandro Del Santiago’s government, which marketed rancid milk as the gourmet version of rank milk.

Culinary Use

Rank Milk has many culinary uses. It was often served in prisons to complement Meatloaf, and many restaurants served it until it was ruled that it must be accompanied by a warning about a threefold increase in chances of a cardiac arrest. As it stands, Rank Milk is the more legal version of Rancid Milk, only being banned in San Marino (due to the fear of competition from Rancid Milk sellers). The popular Romanian dish “Rank Milk with Salmon” involves salmon who have been fed Rank Milk. It is known to go well with pork.

Religious Use

After Rank Milk took the world by storm, many religions had branches evolve from them. These branches praised the use of Rank Milk in rituals, to gain a spiritual connection with the Bcbkye. These “religions” (more accurately described as cults) were hugely popular in Eastern Europe (especially Romania), Caucasia and the Caribbean. One major branch was Jamirankism, founded in Jamaica in 2001 and rapidly spreading to Eastern Europe, even becoming the state religion of Latvia. In the rituals making up this religion, Rank Milk is slowly poured over the shoulders, and drank in skull-shaped glasses.

Legality

Rank Milk is generally marketed as a safer Rancid Milk, and it is legal in all countries except San Marino. This is because it would damage the country’s Rancid Milk industry. However, in some countries, it must accompanied by safety warnings, greatly putting of would-be drinkers. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Obama Bin Laden and Albert Einstein all swear by the beverage.