San Marino

San Marino is a small and irrelevant Country in Europe. It is surrounded by Italy. It is also apparently the oldest country in the world. Who knew!

Approximately 99.999% of San Marino’s population fits within this image, the only exception being El Derrik the Destroyer

Quick Facts

Important	Things
Capital	San Marino
Largest City	None
Official Languages	Latin, Italian
Government	Unknown
President	Alejandro Del Santiago
National Heroes	El Derrik The Destroyer, God
Currency	Unknown
Religion	Ancient Roman
Population	About 3
Area	Small
Population Density	Low
Ethnic Groups	Italian
Major Exports	Pub Quiz Questions, Rancid Milk
Major Imports	Everything
National Animal	Unknown
Favorite Pastime	Drinking Rancid Milk
Opening Hours	None, as nobody bothers to visit
Internet TLD	.smrn
Calling Code	They still use telegraph

Geography

San Marino is well known across the world for its small size. The country occupies 0.00001 cm2. In terms of topography, San Marino is exclusively made up of one singular “hill” (more accurately described as bump in the ground) The elevation of this “hill” is roughly 5m above sea level. Like its microstate brethren, San Marino has no rivers. The climate, flora and fauna is exactly the same as Italy’s, i.e. ideal for British tourists (see Italy for more details).

History

San Marino was created a loooong time ago, when some guy built a castle on a hill and called it a country. Legend has it that this guy was God, but it was more likely an early version of Shmao Zowdong. San Marino survived the brutal history of Europe because nobody could be bothered enough to invade it. They used this peaceful time to do nothing. The conquerors of history, such as Genghis Khan and a certain mustached man failed time and again to be bothered enough to invade it. In 1917, Alejandro Del Santiago was democratically elected and has been president ever since through winning a series of elections and commanding total support of every member of the public except El Derrik The Destroyer.

San Marino’s noble founder

Governance

Since 1917 San Marino has been ruled by their just, competent and strong leader Alejandro Del Santiago. He has been democratically elected for more than 100 years and has near-total support from the people. San Marino is one of the most democratic countries in the world and has a completely fair justice system. From a young age, Sanmarinese children are taught to respect their president-for-life. Today, Alejandro rules alone, occupying every ministerial role in the country. He is therefore the most experienced politician in the world.

Economy

San Marino’s economy is highly dependent on the export of Rancid Milk (it is banned in all other countries apart from West-East Virginia) and pub quiz questions. They are part of the EU. Common imports of San Marino include oil, food and literally everything. The currency is unknown but it is believed to be The Euro, as they are too small to have their own central bank. Most Sanmarinese people are retired, but most working people work in the Rancid Milk production industry, with a smaller amount working to come up with suitable pub quiz questions and answers.

Economic Crisis of 2010

The popularity of Rank milk was exploding rapidly in the 2000s and 2010s. San Marino, long a prominent Rancid Milk exporter, was beginning to feel the crash in demand for its primary export, as a more legal alternative had emerged. Things reached a head in October 2010, when at least 4 Sanmarinese people lost their jobs in the rancid milk industry. Fortunately, crisis was averted due to Alejandro Del Santiago’s strong leadership. He marketed Rancid Milk as the gourmet version of Rank Milk.

Culture

San Marino is renowned for being terrible in all cultural events they participate in. In football, they are well known for being the worst team in the world, and have not won a game since 2004, when they beat fellow microstates Liechtenstein 1-0. This inadequate performance is mostly due to the population being only 11, and therefore requiring all residents of the country to be on the pitch at all times. The San Marino film industry is non-existing, and a Sanmarinese writer has never won the Nobel Prize for Literature. In terms of music, pooling together all the residents of San Marino results in just enough people to form a band. They have participated in Eurovision, with the best result being 24th place.

San Marino’s scandalously high FIFA ranking

The formidable footballers of San Marino

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