Teh Cooking Show
Welcome to Teh Cooking Show. It's a show. A TV show. A TV show in which people cook. A TV show in which people cook... FOOD! Well, not all the time. Please welcome our Judge. His name is JUDGE. Also welcome our Director, Writer, Producer, Cameraman and Sound Engineer. Their names are Director, Writer, Producer, Cameraman and Todd, respectively. Except for the Writer. His name is ALSO Producer. But he's not a Producer. He's actually a cameraman. And my name is Joe. Please welcome the contestants to the stage.
The Contestants[edit | edit source]
- Jimmie Bean - Lost his job and went broke. Is living with his grandma. He - sob - has no money left. Joined - sniffle - the show - sob - because... sob... he needed the money.... - sniffle. (Wipes nose). Ok, enough character development. Next contestant.
- Billy Joe - Gosh! This guy doesn't even have a background story! Can't have that! We need our good ratings! Take him away, boys!
Guards drag Billy Joe away to the guillotine
BILLY JOE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!!!1!1!! (Before the show even started!)
And onto our other contestants...
- Ching Chang - He's Chinese I think. He may be Japanese. His name is Ching Chang. You should already know that.
- 3 - No one knows why his name is a number. It just is. Shut up.
- George Bush - I think he was the president of somewhere. But I can't remember what. No matter.
- Little Old Lady - You know the sort. Little. Old. Kind of lady-like. Old. Possibly evil. Makes good humour when she falls over and breaks a hip. Gets us good ratings. You know the sort.
- Some Guy - I couldn't think of any more names. Or background stories.
And before we start, the rules.
The Rules[edit | edit source]
- Cook something.
- Get judged
- Get angry because your score is bad
- Get dragged away by the guards and get shot in the head
- And finally, peanut shell.
- Thank-you
LET'S BEGIN!!!!!11!!!
Insert clothes-peg here
Round 1[edit | edit source]
For our first contestant, we have Jimmie Bean!
(Judge looks over the meal, which resembles a pile of wet mud.)
Well, this looks... interesting?
(Takes a bite)
Yech! Tastes like shit!
Jimmie: That's because it IS shit.
Well, in that case, it's a well-made bowl of shit, considering. I'll give you 9/10.
And now we introduce out second contestant, Ching Chang!
So, what have you got for me today?
Ching Chang: Duck soup!
(Fonchezzz runs in and stabs Ching Chang repeatedly in the head.)
(Judge looks at Chang's dead, gruesomely mutilated body)
Well, good riddance to bad rubbish, I say! Take him away, lads!
CHING CHANG HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!!!1!1!!
For our third contestant, we have 3.
Ooh, roast beef!
(Eats)
That was delicious! I always thought I'd like your cooking!
3: My score...?
Eh, 1/10. Because I'm mean.
3: What? You can't do that!
(Tries to attack the Judge)
Yes I can. Guards!
(Guards rush in and take away the screaming 3 out of the building. A gunshot is heard.)
3 HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!!1!!!111!
I never really liked his cooking anyway. Next!
Now, our fourth contestant, George Bush.
Ooh, what do we have here?
(Starts to eat)
This is delicious! The lemon is a nice touch, and the subtle tenderness of the wine flavour gives way to that rosemary flavouring. It is very delicate in it's-
George Bush: But I haven't finished yet! There's nothing IN that bowl!
Well, I must say, a very well-made bowl of nothing. I'll give you 8/10.
We welcome our fifth contestant, Some Guy!
Ooh, cheese on toast! My favourite!
I'll give you 13/10!
Cameraman: Hey, you can't do that!
Shut up, you're merely a cameraman!
Our sixth contestant, Little Old Lady.
(Little Old Lady walks in, then drops dead.)
Director: What happened?
I don't know! Blame the cameraman!
Camerman: But I'm merely a camer-AAARRGH!
(Guards grab the cameraman and throws him in a bottomless pit with spikes at the bottom.
THE CAMERAMAN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!!!11!!!1!
And that is the end of Round 1! And now for the scores!
Scores for Round 1[edit | edit source]
- Jimmie Bean - 9/10
- Billy Joe - ELIMINATED
- Ching Chang - ELIMINATED
- 3 - ELIMINATED
- George Bush - 8/10
- Some Guy – 13/10
- Little Old Lady – 0/10
We'll be back after this short break!
<insert short break here>
We're back! Before we start, lets have a word from our spencers, I mean our spincors, I mean our spansers. That's right. Our spansers.
Spanser: Hello there.
That's not a word. That's TWO! Bad Spanser! Bad!
(Whacks Spanser over head with frying pan.)
See, children, you have to use to discipline. Now, on with the Show!
DUM DUM DUM
Round 2[edit | edit source]
First of all, we have the Little Old Lady!
Didn't she die last round?
Oh well, I guess she did.
THE LITTLE OLD LADY HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!!!!!!1!11!
Second up, we have Some Guy.
Ooh, cheese on toast again! My favourite!
(Eats cheese on toast)
I'm giving you 15/10!
Cameraman: Hey, you can't do that!
YOU'RE back again!?
Cameraman: No, I'm the replacement, you-
Guards, grab him!
(Guards grab the cameraman and chuck him in a sideless hole with spikes on top.)
THE CAMERAMAN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!!!!1!1!! (again)
For our third contestant, we welcome George Bush!
Ooh, this looks good!
(Begins to eat)
I can taste that lemon again, and the subtle tenderness of that beefy taste, maybe with a hint of pepper? And...
George Bush: But I STILL haven't finished! You're eating nothing!
Well, a finely made bowl of nothing it is. Much better than last time. I'll give you 9.5/10!
Fourth up, we give you Jimmie Bean!
So what do you have for me?
Jimmie: An orange.
And orange! Ooh!
(Takes a slice of orange, eats it. Suddenly, he starts choking.)
Jimmie: What is it?
You fool! Don't you know I'm allergic to oranges!
Jimmie: But you ate it your-
Guards! This fool tried to murder me!
Jimmie: But he-
(Guards grab him and shoot him in the head.)
JIMMIE BEAN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!!!!1!1!!
And that's all for Round 2. Just an update on the scores...
Scores for Round 2[edit | edit source]
- Jimmie Bean - ELIMINATED
- Billy Joe - ELIMINATED
- Ching Chang - ELIMINATED
- 3 - ELIMINATED
- George Bush - 8/10, 9.5/10
- Some Guy – 13/10, 15/10
- Little Old Lady – ELIMINATED
We are now down to our last two contestants! Tensions are rising. Emotions are running. The food is getting worse and worse. But who will emerge victor after the last gruelling round? Who will be victorious> And will someone finally actually make something good???!!! Find out after this short break.
<insert toaster here>
We're back, but before we start, let's take a look at the betting odds. 1-2 that Some Guy will win. 1-100 that George Bush will win. 1-70 that George Bush will turn into a lemon. And 1-500 that the Koreans will bomb the entire place and everyone will die. Also, toaster.
Remember, gamble responsibly!
And now, onto round 3!
DUM DUM DA DIDDLE DEE!
Round 3[edit | edit source]
First up, we have George Bush!
Well, George Bush, what have you made for the final?
George Bush: Cheese on toast!
Cheese on toast? Yech! I HATE cheese on toast!
George Bush: You can't do that!
(Strangles Judge)
JUDGE HAS BENN ELIMINATED!!!!11!!!
(A SWAT force bursts in an arrests everyone. The Cameraman pulls apart his vest to reveal himself as Superman.
The Koreans drop a bomb and the entire place explodes and everyone dies.
Sad music plays as the credits roll.)
Afterwards[edit | edit source]
The million dollar prize was rewarded to the Little Old Lady, who actually hadn't died, and only suffered a minor stroke. George Bush went on to become the President of Yukoslavia (even though he was dead) and lead a campaign for Yak rights. Everyone lived happily ever after. Except those who didn't.
Which was most of them.
Because they all died.
Remember?
I sure don't.
The whole thing was a big furmuddle.
Goodnight.