The Mysterious Mystery of the Not Chinese Chopstick

PART 1, FOOL[edit | edit source]

It was another in a long string of late nights for Jon. He had suffered far more than a dent in his CV from his recent and early departure from school, as having no responsibility for the first time in his life had, for some unknown reason, sparked insomnia. Well, he blamed his school leaving, but it could just as easily be the red bull and cocaine.

The day started as any other, with Jon cutting interesting shapes out of old underwear and painting himself various colours, and the early evening showed no signs of abnormality either, when Jon decided to nip onto IRC to explain to some people why they were inferior.

He was in the middle of telling a Mexican that his opinion was null and void due to his nationality when something to his right changed. A movement? He was alone, the rest of his family having died several years ago due to being murdered. He sat pondering the possible causes of the movement, and after a few hours decided looking was probably the best option. He turned his head slowly to the right.

9 hours later his eyes fixed on the point where he thought the movement had come from, and came to the instant conclusion that the chopstick lying on the chair to his right had never been there before. And whilst he was concluding things, the solid gold jewel-encrusted chair had never been there before either, nor the 12 men stading about the room in blue and red cerimonial dress clothes holding spears, or the large glowing vortex in the centre of the room. But he pushed these minor oddities from his mind to focus on the newly appeared chopstick.

Upon closer inspection he found that it was wooden and chopstick-shaped, enforcing his earlier assumption that the chopstick was indeed a chopstick. Although his knowledge of oriental dining equipment was lacking at best, he vaguely recalled that chopsticks were most commonly found in pairs, and he found himself wondering how this one had found it's way onto (his?) golden chair.

"I am Zangar, guardian of the Chopstick." The voice made Jon jump, and he looked up to find the closest and largest of the spearmen was holding out a hand towards him. Jon pondered his next move for the next few hours, wishing through his reply to sound both humbled by this mysterious entities appearance yet intelligent and collected in the face of the unexpected.

"Fuck off."

"We are from the planet E-coli of the Anus Galaxy, and we have travelled for many Eons to meet you."

"No, I don't want to buy double glazing."

"We require your aid, sir. Our Kingdom has been torn apart by civil war. Death and famine are everywhere, only a few are left, and even they continue to fight and kill each other."

"Do you have my pizza? Did I order pizza?"

"It was the Great Chopsticks that protected our world in past times, 2 sticks, which, when together, grant the wonders of peace to the lands they reside in. But then an evil man, known as Evil Man, stole one of the Chopsticks. The land plunged into darkness, and the people turned on each other. We need your help in finding that stolen Chopstick before Evil Man's forces get this one, and alter the power of the Chopsticks to grant them even more evilness."

"I dunno...this is all a bit sudden...I mean, look, I was just about to watch some porn..."

"By all means, view the porn. We will view it with you...er...for protection...yeah, protection, but then we must be on our way to whatever I called our planet earlier in the story."

Having fapped themselves red raw, the group of stupidly dressed guards and a very confused Jon set off through the vortex, heading towards planet Whatever.