The eminent dangers of dance

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This summer, Mayvis Dandy presents a shockumentary series based on a book from the author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. This program explores a variety of dangerous current youth trends and their consequences.

On this week's episode: a public service announcement regarding the perils of a popular ritual commonly known as 'dancing', and how to protect your children from the hive mind of the rhythm.

Learn to pick up subtle warning signs, as youth may begin to use terms such as 'groovy' which should be considered highly vulgar language within any family household. Repetitive motions referred to as 'dance moves' may be a method of summoning evil forces. Movements such as the bump and grind[1] have resulted in several injuries over the past few years (particularly a compounding of severe head trauma resulting from propulsion into walls at high speed), and children as young as five years old have been taught how to mosh. Moshing in particular has picked up mainstream activity over the past few years, and a roller disco recently garnered the attention of the media once a metalhead ran into the venue and started screaming.

Similarly, when youth mention the 'hustle', it may very well be alluding to the smuggling of illicit substances.[2] As of this season, a certain Mary Jane Giggles has made its way onto the market. Though scientists have analysed the substance and concluded it has no actual THC content, parents are advised to be wary as the product has been associated with bouts of hysterical laughter for no apparent reason, and the urge to suddenly fall on the floor (which apparently is also linked to an ancient dance move called 'the flop').

Dancing is a sign of surrender to our inner, animalistic tendencies, much like violence[3] and other barbaric acts of human nature. For the safety of yourself and others, please don't do it.

To be honest, all I want in life is to hear Tim Whitnall say the word 'boogie'.

Goodness gracious, are you cursing again? Not under my roof.

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Castle Quest vol. 34Cosmic trashParachuting without a parachutePoint me in the right directionSpace ducksSpider telegramString cheeseThe eminent dangers of dance

  1. Well apparently the bump (as in, the original bump, bumpity bump) actually exists, and mutual rear end contact may be gratuitously involved. Thanks again, Peggy Hargravy.
  2. Unless they can smell honeysuckle, in which case they would need to proclaim 'hey, I smell honeysuckle' immediately afterwards and exit the venue.
  3. Not to be confused with violently vibrating.