Xtianity

This article was too bizarre for Uncyclopedia,   but Illogicopedia loves random stuff.

→

Xtianity is also known as American Evangelical Christianity. Most of America's current political leaders are Xtians. They currently control the executive, legislative and judicial branches of federal political institutions in the US. Their number includes: George W. Bush, Laura Bush, Dick "Head" Cheney, KKKarl Rove, Bill Frist, Rick Santorum, Orrin "Down The" Hatch, James Dobson, Jesse Helms, Jerry Falwell, David Duke, Randall Terry, Antonin Scalia, Jeff Gannon, Ann Coulter and Clarence "Claymation" Thomas.

Major Tenets

The major tenets of Xtianity are set forth in 10 commandments:

1. God created the universe and mankind, and there is a holy book documenting these events called the Bibble that is literally, word-for-word true. Facts, science, and logic are irrelevant; and plain old wrong to the extent that they conflict with the Bibble, except for all those parts that in the past were used to justify slavery, polygamy and other stuff deemed bad by today's standards.
2. Jeebus is the son of God. He is also known as Jay-sus. He is apparently a bit of spendthrift, because he always needs Xtians to send him their money. (This despite the common saying "Jeebus Saves." Obviously, he doesn't and needs to start thinking about his long term financial goals)
3. God loves guns more than people. The right to own them is sacred.
4. All taxes are evil, except to the extent that they directly benefit Xtians.
5. Sex is bad and sinful, except when white men and women do it in the dark and don't enjoy it. However, it is generally deemed OK for Xtian clergy to buttfuck their parishoners. There is also a subset of Xtianity that is remarkably tolerant of boy fucking. The high priests that do this are moved from parish to parish to spread the cheeks of Gods' love among as many of those delectable 10 year olds as possible.
6. Only Xtians have Jeebus's cell phone number, and he calls them on it all the time while he is cruising around in his sweeeeet chariot.
7. The Xtian church is the voting booth. Their sacrament is the campaign contribution. Their promised land is the rapture [not the Blondie song].
8. When Jeebus calls Xtians on his cell phone, he tells them what political candidates and policies he wants the United States to have.
9. Xtians then legislate their religious beliefs as the law of the land.
10. If non-Xtians complain about being forced to believe things they don't want to, Xtians bitterly and vociferously whine about being persecuted, despite the fact that they own this joint.