List of Dead People
Now, we all know about life.
It's a pretty simple thing. We all go around doing stuff, minding our own business. There are other people doing their things, and everyone is alright. You have your cat, you sit at home, you watch TV. Everything is going just right for you. Girlfriend is straight and happy to have sex with you (or so you think), and you're finally old enough to drink. Life is sweet. Until your cat gets run over by a truck, your girlfriend gets blown up in a terrorist attack, and someone unplugs your TV.
You see, death is something that is quite overlooked in today's society. It is something that is necessary and inevitable, but at the same time hated, ignored, and deep fried for dinner. Death is there, it's always there, always will be there, and is always looking down your pants. Don't ask me why. Death sucks, especially if you're on the unforgiving end of it.
A lot of people meet death face to face, and when they do it leaves a mark. Sometimes, a huge one, like a broken skull. You know people who die, and yes, it is sad. But it's only natural. So stop whining, you sad excuse for a person.
- 1 Old Lady Who Lived Down the Road
- 2 Driver Who Goes Really Slow in the Fast Lane
- 3 Innocent Looking Kid Who Went Chasing After His Ball in the Road
- 4 Person Who Can't Find Their Credit Card at the Register
- 5 Unknown Super Hero in a Spoof Comic
- 6 Crazy Animal Fanatic Who Does Dangerous Things with Deadly Animals
- 7 Michael Jackson
- 8 Not Shown but Still Dead:
- 9 See Also
Old Lady Who Lived Down the Road
We all know and love the old woman who lived down the road. She was so sweet, whenever she saw you, she would give you a wave with her ever-so-bony-and-arthritis-ridden hand and give you a small little smile. This usually resulted with her old, disgusting dentures popping out of her mouth, forcing you to go and help her by picking up those ancient festering falsehoods. Gross. But still, the Granny was appreciated. Everyone loved her. Even the kiddies, who are usually afraid of such old, ugly creatures, were delighted with this woman. She gave them candy, further rotting their teeth to the point of which hers had become. What a sweet old lady.
However, it was a sad, and very gruesome day when she met her fate. It was just like any other day for the old lady, going off to do her typical things. She went off to go have some tea with other other geezer friends at some obscure clothing party, and then decided it was about time to go shopping. She parked her very old-person-ish Buick across the street of the local shop, Timmy's Turnip and Other Food Store. She walked across no probelm the first time, and then, bought her produce. Now this part is important: She went down the third row of the shop before going and getting her normal amount of turnips. Why this is important, I don't know, but it is. I don't question the authority around here. Now, she bought six pounds of turnips, then some packets of taco flavoring from the store. This is where things get rough. She started her normal cross of the street. She had her food in the bags... but one spilled. She knelt down, picked a few up, and then looked up... and saw a car. She moved out of the way of the car back to the side of the road, and then an anvil fell on her and completely crushed her. No one collected her remains, they just left them there for the sparrows to eat. The road was clean in only a week. Those greedy birds. That day was a sad day for eveyone who knew her.
Driver Who Goes Really Slow in the Fast Lane
If you are like any other regular person (odds are you actually aren't), you usually take a hefty amount of time driving your old, crappy compact car down the freeway to work. Most of the time you get stuck in some serious traffic. However, sometimes you get a good day with vehicles moving at a considerable pace. These are the good days, the ones where you stroke under 150 at golf, the ones where you don't burn the meatloaf for dinner. However, these days can be screwed up entirely by one thing: that annoying driver going fifty miles per hour (81 kph to you Brits) in the fast lane. You don't get these people everyday, but when you do, it's a rough experience. In fact, the other day, there was one who was going just below fifty. People who sped past him honked and gave him a dirty look. Were they happy when he died? Why, yes, yes they were.
It all started out normal for him; he got up from bed, put off some clothes, brushed his horse's teeth (and not his), and undid some old coffee. He looked down to see him self wearing nothing but one sock. Then he remembered: today was Wednesday. He put his clothes back on, slurped up his coffee beans, and jumped into his Ford Pinto to go to work. He drove under a tunnel, through his neighbors garden, above a bridge and then he drove calmly onto a ramp to the highway. There he went, swerving over from the slow lane right over to the fast lane at fifty miles per hour. Cars flew by, honked, and gave him unfriendly hand gestures. However, he payed no attention; today was Wednesday and that meant Tuesday was the day before. He loved Wednesdays. After a one hour drive, which could have taken a considerably less amount of time if he went the normal speed, he got to work at the local lumbermill. "A nice day for fish," he said, and then he ran down to the nearby lake, chained a heavy metal ball to his leg, and then jumped in. No one noticed he was gone until three days later, where they saw his body dead and face down in a two-inch deep pond with a metal ball chained to his leg. Now, there aren't anymore problems on the highway.
Innocent Looking Kid Who Went Chasing After His Ball in the Road
Every good neighborhood has a bunch of sweet little kids who hate school and enjoy summer. These kids do fun things, mainly activities such as hop scotch, jump rope, scamming other kids of their cash, and games that involve balls. However, probably the messiest of these games are the ones that involve balls, because sometimes balls go astray, maybe rolling into the a cactus garden, and endless pit, and worst of all - a road. The kids, being abnormally dumb, usually go running after these balls, regardless of the peril that may ensue. They run off into that cactus garden and get ripped to pieces, they fall into that endless pit and fall to their doom, and they run into the road and get hit by cars. Just like that little kid who lived down the road and was constantly running into the road to retrieve his ball.
He met his fate one day when he was playing four square with his friends. They were hitting the ball merrily back and forth into each other's squares and having a jolly time on the fourteenth day of their summer break. However, one kid hit the ball just a bit too hard and everyone watched silently as the ball stopped rolling right in the center of the road. Now, it was up to the kids to decide who was going to make the daring venture into the road. The most innocent looking of them all decided it was his job. So, cautiously, carefully, he ran into the road, picked up the ball, and ran back. No harm done. Then he went inside to get a drink of water, but he was blown to bits in a gas explosion at the house. The boy's pet ferret was not harmed.
Person Who Can't Find Their Credit Card at the Register
This is no lie: everyone goes food shopping. Whether it be with your mom, your dad, yourself, or your old pet hamster, you go food shopping at least once. You run through the aisles looking for sales, cramming your face into every advertisement section to see if you could find a coupon that will lower your price by even the smallest amount.
You pick up food, roll cans down the aisles, put on your jacket in the frozen food section, and generally have a good time. The joy of grocery shopping is in everyone, except when things go wrong. Eventually there has to be a sad event at the store, such as a nuclear explosion or robbery. But then again, both of those are rare. A more common one, however, is the person who cannot find his credit card at the register. We all get to one of these people eventually. Looking in their wallet/purse, in their shoe, under their wife's make-up, in their car, in the bathroom toilet. But, to the delight of many people who "Have a house to go to and don't have time to waste standing in line at a store", one of these people died.
It was a nice, sunny, Sunday morning. The innocent victim walked outside of their home and smelled the air. He walked slowly over to his vehicle, and then got inside. He started the engine and drove away. He was driving to the shop, and the whole way he listened to his favorite music: the Dora the Explorer soundtrack. Mind you, this is a forty-two year old man. Anyhow, he went down to Timmy's Turnip and Other Food Store and got a candy bar. That is all he bought, then he went straight for the express lane. When he was up, the epic search for his Visa card started. Taking a total of 32 minutes, he searched everywhere from his shoe to the fresh produce section of the store, including the baskets, up one lady's skirt, and in several boxes of cereal. Eventually he concluded that he left it at home, and then payed for the bar in cash. As he left the store, he put the bar in his mouth, but as it turned out someone had slipped some poison into it, resulting in the man's death. The person behind him, who gained several wrinkles in the time that it took him to reach a conclusion, said: "Serves him right. Because of him, I had to go back and get anti-wrinkle cream!"
Unknown Super Hero in a Spoof Comic
Everyone likes comics, especially ones with super heroes. Most notably, however, the one's with the big, well known super heroes, such as Batman, Superman, and CatMan. However, some comics are just better with some unknown hero you've never heard of before, like one who is making a random guest appearance. The most unknown super hero is Captain Cool, a rather engaging fellow who used his extreme sarcasm and food spitting skills to extinguish enemies by the hundreds. However, despite three full length guest appearances in the Batspiderhulk comics, Captain Cool met his gruesome fate.
It all started with a couple "Pow!" "Bang!" and "Bash!" effects in the boxes. Batspiderhulk and Captain Cool were running through the villain's coincidentally conspicuous hideout/lair/biggest, most visible building on the planet and killing all of the heavily armed, yet apparently horribly inaccurate henchman of the evil Dr. Death. The henchmen, with their fully automatic rifles, fired several thousand bullets in the heroes' direction, but failed to hit them even once. All the while, the two amazing men ran around punching all of the ugly-looking men. Once all of the hundreds of minions were knocked out, Captain Cool and Batspiderhulk proceeded into the central control station of the lair. Dr. Death sent all of his guards charging at them, each armed with lightsabers, RPG's, and grenades. They used all of their weapons, but miraculously, as well as impossibly, Captain Cool and Batspiderhulk managed to remove all four of them from the gene pool. This brings us to our excerpt:
- Batspiderhulk: My green spider sensors are telling me that an evil mastermind is nearby!
- Captain Cool: Whoa... there is! It's Dr. Death! Dude... this is gonna be a hard one!
- Batspiderhulk: Don't worry, my dear... uh... apprentice? We shall capture him and return him to custody with the Police Forces!
- Dr. Death: You may think that, but you really won't! Why, you ask? Becau--
- Captain Cool: (interrupting) I didn't ask why, you fish!
- Dr. Death: Ok, let's get some things straight. I am not a fish. I am an advanced type of tadpole, so never call me fish again. Second, you didn't need to ask why, all evil villains do that without getting a response! Now, let me continue. Why? Because I have a bomb beneath us right now, and if I die, the bomb goes off, which will kill you both!
- Enter Russian army.
- Russian Private: So, uh, who ordered pizza?
- Batspiderhulk: Uh, wrong address, pal. That was the neighbors.
- Russian Private: Oh, ok.
- Exit Russian army.
- Dr. Death: Well, um, it's time for you to die!
- Dr. Death walks up and stabs Captain Cool, who was twiddling his thumbs and whistling. He now cringes in pain and falls as he dies.
- Batspiderhulk: No!
- Batspiderhulk captures Dr. Death and gives him to the police. He leaves Captain Cool's body to rot.
This was a sad day for many fans of Captain Cool, but they soon forgot of his death when Twilight came out in theaters.
Crazy Animal Fanatic Who Does Dangerous Things with Deadly Animals
Ah, Animal Planet. Probably one of the most fascinating television channels ever. Take for example, all of the footage of animals. All it is are animals, usually on the African Safari, eating grass or getting chased by lions. Even if we watch this same footage every week, it still retains its entertainment. But what is even more entertaining are those deranged psychopaths who go out go out and chase crocodiles, snakes, and other dangerous animals, such as Pandas and Walri. These people always go out and do the stupidest things... but they always come back alive. It's really quite amazing.
Animal Planet is stuffed with these loons, so it is only natural that one of them must die. It was a normal day, the animal fanatic put on his abnormally short khakis and his nice collared shirt. He got into his weird, square jeep and rode down to the film studio to start his footage of "Wrapping Yourself in Bacon before Jumping into a pit of Crocodiles" He got there, put on his normal gear, wrapped up in bacon, and jumped into the pit. Crocodiles everywhere were snapping and biting, but he managed to fend off every one of them. Every single one. And don't you forget that. Next off, he did his shoot for "Running Nude in a Pile of Poisonous Snakes", and everything went smooth. It was in his next event that things went wrong. It was called "Petting A Harmless Parakeet". Things started out fine, but the the bird flew away and out the window. The animal enthusiast was the first on the chase. He ran after the bird for about a mile, but then he ran off a steep cliff with sharp rocks at the bottom, and was impaled. Nobody really cared, mainly because Animal Planet had twenty other animal enthusiasts anyway.
Not Shown but Still Dead:
- David Bowie
- Archimedes von tesla
- Jesus's goth phase
- the dinosaurs
- the martians
- the dinosaurs that lived on mars
- rock and roll
- George Washington
- tiny tim
- Hal 9000
- that guy from that one movie you can't remember
- (hits blunt)
- You know what?
- like, a lot of people are dead.
- like, dude, that's gonna be ME someday.
- that's gonna be YOU, man.
- that's like, crazy.
- I mean, like NO-ONE gets to live I guess, really.
- Billy Mays
- What about zombies?
- Bon Scott
- James bond
- James blonde
- Voldemort (didn't he have like a hokeycruz, or horecross, or something?)
- YOUR MOM
- Wait, your mom's actually dead?
- OMG IM SO SORRY
- I'm... just gonna go now.
| Magnificent Madness
This article was one of the Top Ten Articles of 2009.